RULE 1
Life is not fair - get used to it.
RULE 2
The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
RULE 3
You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with car phone, until you earn both.
RULE 4
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.
RULE 5
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping they called it Opportunity.
RULE 6
If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
RULE 7
Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
RULE 8
Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
RULE 9
Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
RULE 10
Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
RULE 11
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Court Reports
Listed below are excerpts from a book called "Disorder in the Court."
Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm and keeping
a straight face while these exchanges were actually taking place. ___________________________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year
___________________________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
___________________________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?
___________________________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
___________________________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
___________________________________________________
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
___________________________________________________
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
___________________________________________________
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
___________________________________________________
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
___________________________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
___________________________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
___________________________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
__________________________________________________
Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
________________________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
_________________________________________________
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
_____________________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
_________________________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_______________________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
________________________________________________
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
_________________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
_________________________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
_________________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.
-----------------------------------
Judge: "Well Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your
wife $775 a week".
Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
-----------------------------------------
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The",
"Truth".
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.
LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: "Morning, George!"
Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm and keeping
a straight face while these exchanges were actually taking place. ___________________________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year
___________________________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
___________________________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?
___________________________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
___________________________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
___________________________________________________
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
___________________________________________________
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
___________________________________________________
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
___________________________________________________
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
___________________________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
___________________________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
___________________________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
__________________________________________________
Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
________________________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
_________________________________________________
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
_____________________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
_________________________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_______________________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
________________________________________________
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
_________________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
_________________________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
_________________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.
-----------------------------------
Judge: "Well Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your
wife $775 a week".
Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
-----------------------------------------
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The",
"Truth".
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.
LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: "Morning, George!"
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Reflections on Love
Reflections On The Nature Of Love
"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too."
-Greg, age 8
What Is The Proper Age To Get Married?
"Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
-Judy, age 8
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!"
-Tom, age 5
What Do Most People Do On A Date?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
-Mike, age 10
When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
-Jim, age 10
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
-Kally, age 9
The Great Debate: Is It Better To Be Single Or Married?
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!"
-Lynette, age 9
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."
-Kenny, age 7
Concerning Why Love Happens Between Two Particular People
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."
-Jan, age 9
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
-Harlen, age 8
"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too."
-Andrew, age 6
On What Falling In Love Is Like
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
-Roger, age 9
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long."
-Leo, age 7
On The Role Of Good Looks In Love
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
-Jeanne, age 8
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
-Gary, age 7
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
-Christine, age 9
Concerning Why Lovers Often Hold Hands
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them."
-Dave, age 8
"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing."
-John, age 9
Confidential Opinions About Love
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television."
-Anita, age 6
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."
-Bobby, age 8
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."
-Regina, age 10
"Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime."
-Floyd, age 9
The Personal Qualities Necessary To Be A Good Lover
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
-Ava, age 8
"Sensitivity don't hurt."
-Robbie, age 8
Some Surefire Ways To Make A Person Fall In Love With You
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."
-Del, age 6
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
-Alonzo, age 9
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."
-Bart, age 9
"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs...and don't worry if their parents are right there."
-Manuel, age 8
How Can You Tell If Two Adults Eating Dinner At A Restaurant Are In Love?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love."
-John, age 9
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food."
-Brad, age 8
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are... on fire."
-Christine, age 9
"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up."
-Sarah, age 9
"See if the man has lipstick on his face."
-Sandra, age 7
What Most People Are Thinking When They Say "I Love You"
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day."
-Michelle, age 9
"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat."
-Dick, age 7
How Do People In Love Typically Behave?
"Mooshy... like puppy dogs... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much."
-Arnold, age 10
"All of a sudden, the people get movie fever so they can sit together in the dark."
-Sherm, age 8
How A Person Learns To Kiss
"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you."
-Doug, age 7
"It might help to watch soap operas all day."
-Carin, age 9
"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls."
-Julia, age 7
How Was Kissing Invented?
"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses."
-Gina, age 8
When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you... That's why I stopped doing it."
-Jean, age 10
"When they're rich."
-Pam, age 7
"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission."
-Roger, age 6
How To Make Love Endure
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."
-Tom, age 7
"Don't forget your wife's name... That will mess up the love."
-Roger, age 8
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash."
-Randy, age 8
"Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind... Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch."
-Natalie, age 9
Titles Of The Love Ballads You Can Sing To Your Beloved
"'How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your Nose?'"
-Arnold, age 10
"'You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.'"
-Larry, age 8
"'I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!'"
-Eddie, age 6
"'I Am in Love with You Most of the Time, but Don't Bother Me When I'm with My Friends.'"
-Bob, age 9
"'Hey, Baby, I Don't like Girls but I'm Willing to Forget You Are One!'"
-Will, age 7
"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too."
-Greg, age 8
What Is The Proper Age To Get Married?
"Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
-Judy, age 8
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!"
-Tom, age 5
What Do Most People Do On A Date?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
-Mike, age 10
When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
-Jim, age 10
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
-Kally, age 9
The Great Debate: Is It Better To Be Single Or Married?
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!"
-Lynette, age 9
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."
-Kenny, age 7
Concerning Why Love Happens Between Two Particular People
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."
-Jan, age 9
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
-Harlen, age 8
"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too."
-Andrew, age 6
On What Falling In Love Is Like
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
-Roger, age 9
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long."
-Leo, age 7
On The Role Of Good Looks In Love
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
-Jeanne, age 8
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
-Gary, age 7
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
-Christine, age 9
Concerning Why Lovers Often Hold Hands
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them."
-Dave, age 8
"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing."
-John, age 9
Confidential Opinions About Love
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television."
-Anita, age 6
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."
-Bobby, age 8
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."
-Regina, age 10
"Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime."
-Floyd, age 9
The Personal Qualities Necessary To Be A Good Lover
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
-Ava, age 8
"Sensitivity don't hurt."
-Robbie, age 8
Some Surefire Ways To Make A Person Fall In Love With You
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."
-Del, age 6
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
-Alonzo, age 9
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."
-Bart, age 9
"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs...and don't worry if their parents are right there."
-Manuel, age 8
How Can You Tell If Two Adults Eating Dinner At A Restaurant Are In Love?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love."
-John, age 9
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food."
-Brad, age 8
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are... on fire."
-Christine, age 9
"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up."
-Sarah, age 9
"See if the man has lipstick on his face."
-Sandra, age 7
What Most People Are Thinking When They Say "I Love You"
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day."
-Michelle, age 9
"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat."
-Dick, age 7
How Do People In Love Typically Behave?
"Mooshy... like puppy dogs... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much."
-Arnold, age 10
"All of a sudden, the people get movie fever so they can sit together in the dark."
-Sherm, age 8
How A Person Learns To Kiss
"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you."
-Doug, age 7
"It might help to watch soap operas all day."
-Carin, age 9
"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls."
-Julia, age 7
How Was Kissing Invented?
"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses."
-Gina, age 8
When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you... That's why I stopped doing it."
-Jean, age 10
"When they're rich."
-Pam, age 7
"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission."
-Roger, age 6
How To Make Love Endure
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."
-Tom, age 7
"Don't forget your wife's name... That will mess up the love."
-Roger, age 8
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash."
-Randy, age 8
"Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind... Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch."
-Natalie, age 9
Titles Of The Love Ballads You Can Sing To Your Beloved
"'How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your Nose?'"
-Arnold, age 10
"'You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.'"
-Larry, age 8
"'I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!'"
-Eddie, age 6
"'I Am in Love with You Most of the Time, but Don't Bother Me When I'm with My Friends.'"
-Bob, age 9
"'Hey, Baby, I Don't like Girls but I'm Willing to Forget You Are One!'"
-Will, age 7
Sunday, July 10, 2011
God Created Animals
First God created the ox, and He said to the ox, "Today I have created you! As a beast of burden, this is what you will do. You will go to the field with the farmer all day long. You will work all day under the sun, pulling the plow or hauling wagons! And to do this, I will give you a life span of 50 years."
The ox objected. "What, you want me to live that kind of life for 50 years? Let me have 20 years, that'll be plenty of work, and I'll give 30 years back to you." So God agreed.
Then God created the dog, and He said to the dog, "Okay, dog. What you're going to do is sit all day at the door of your house, and guard the door. Any people that walk by, or try to come in, you bark at them. I'll give you a lifespan of 20 years for this!"
And the dog objected. "What? All day long I have to sit by the door? No way! Just give me ten years. I'll give you back the other ten!" So God agreed.
Then God created the monkey, and He said to the monkey, "A monkey has to be entertaining. You get to make everybody laugh and do tricks. And I'll give you 30 years of life to do this."
And the monkey objected, too. "What, Make people laugh? Monkey tricks? Twenty years will do for that, and the other 10 years, I give back to you." So God agreed.
Then God created Man. He said to the Man, "Your job is to sleep, eat, and play. You will enjoy many things in your life. You're my special creation, and all you have to do is be good and enjoy your life. For this kind of life, I'll give you a 20 years lifespan."
The man objected, too. "What, God? Such a good life? Eat, play, sleep, do nothing? Enjoy the best and you expect me to live for only 20 years? Why don't we make a deal? Since the cow gave you back 30 years, the dog gave you back 10 years and the monkey gave you back 10 years, I will take those years! That will make my lifespan 70 years, right?" So God agreed.
And that's why...
For our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy life and do nothing much. For the next 30 years, we work all day long. For the next 10 years, we entertain our grandchildren by making monkey faces and doing tricks. And for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit in front of the door and bark at people!
The ox objected. "What, you want me to live that kind of life for 50 years? Let me have 20 years, that'll be plenty of work, and I'll give 30 years back to you." So God agreed.
Then God created the dog, and He said to the dog, "Okay, dog. What you're going to do is sit all day at the door of your house, and guard the door. Any people that walk by, or try to come in, you bark at them. I'll give you a lifespan of 20 years for this!"
And the dog objected. "What? All day long I have to sit by the door? No way! Just give me ten years. I'll give you back the other ten!" So God agreed.
Then God created the monkey, and He said to the monkey, "A monkey has to be entertaining. You get to make everybody laugh and do tricks. And I'll give you 30 years of life to do this."
And the monkey objected, too. "What, Make people laugh? Monkey tricks? Twenty years will do for that, and the other 10 years, I give back to you." So God agreed.
Then God created Man. He said to the Man, "Your job is to sleep, eat, and play. You will enjoy many things in your life. You're my special creation, and all you have to do is be good and enjoy your life. For this kind of life, I'll give you a 20 years lifespan."
The man objected, too. "What, God? Such a good life? Eat, play, sleep, do nothing? Enjoy the best and you expect me to live for only 20 years? Why don't we make a deal? Since the cow gave you back 30 years, the dog gave you back 10 years and the monkey gave you back 10 years, I will take those years! That will make my lifespan 70 years, right?" So God agreed.
And that's why...
For our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy life and do nothing much. For the next 30 years, we work all day long. For the next 10 years, we entertain our grandchildren by making monkey faces and doing tricks. And for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit in front of the door and bark at people!
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Love vs. Like
1 - In front of the person you love, your heart beats faster, But in front of the person you like, you get happy.
2 - in front of the person you love, winter seems like spring. But in front of the person you like, winter is just beautiful winter.
3 - If you look into the eyes of the one you love, you blush. But if you look into the eyes of the one you like, you smile.
4 - In front of the person you love, you can't say everything on your mind. But in front of the person you like, you can.
5 - In front of the person you love, you tend to get shy. But in front of the person you like, you can show your own self.
6 - You can't look straight into the eyes of the one you love. But you can always smile into the eyes of the one you like.
7 - When the one you love is crying, you cry with them. But when the one you like is crying, you end up comforting.
8 - The feeling of love starts from the eye But the feeling of like starts from the ear. So if you stop liking a person you used to like, all you need to do is cover your ears. But if you try to close your eyes, love turns into a drop of tear and remains in your heart forever...
God Gives and Forgives
People Get and Forget
2 - in front of the person you love, winter seems like spring. But in front of the person you like, winter is just beautiful winter.
3 - If you look into the eyes of the one you love, you blush. But if you look into the eyes of the one you like, you smile.
4 - In front of the person you love, you can't say everything on your mind. But in front of the person you like, you can.
5 - In front of the person you love, you tend to get shy. But in front of the person you like, you can show your own self.
6 - You can't look straight into the eyes of the one you love. But you can always smile into the eyes of the one you like.
7 - When the one you love is crying, you cry with them. But when the one you like is crying, you end up comforting.
8 - The feeling of love starts from the eye But the feeling of like starts from the ear. So if you stop liking a person you used to like, all you need to do is cover your ears. But if you try to close your eyes, love turns into a drop of tear and remains in your heart forever...
God Gives and Forgives
People Get and Forget
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