Two rednecks decided they weren't going anywhere in life, and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first redneck went in to see the counselor, who told him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" the first redneck asked. The professor answered by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "I sure do." said the first redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" said the redneck.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazin!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife," continued the professor.
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right!" exclaimed the redneck. Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway, where his friend was still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.
"Math, History, and Logic!" replied the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"You're QUEER, ain't ya?"
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Quotes
"Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder." --Anonymous bumper sticker
Deep Thought: Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." --by Jack Handy
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. --Frank Sinatra
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. --William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemingway
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. --Ambrose Bierce
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. --Anonymous
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls. --Ross Levy
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? --W.C. Fields
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. --Michelle Mastrolacasa
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. --Tom Waits
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case; Coincidence? --Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! --Brian O'Rourke
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can distinguish it from urine. --David Moulton
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Wilhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet, tasty beer. --Homer Simpson
Not all chemicals are bad. With out chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. --Homer Simpson
Deep Thought: Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." --by Jack Handy
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. --Frank Sinatra
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. --William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemingway
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. --Ambrose Bierce
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. --Anonymous
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls. --Ross Levy
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? --W.C. Fields
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. --Michelle Mastrolacasa
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. --Tom Waits
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case; Coincidence? --Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! --Brian O'Rourke
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can distinguish it from urine. --David Moulton
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Wilhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet, tasty beer. --Homer Simpson
Not all chemicals are bad. With out chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. --Homer Simpson
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Redneck
Things Never Said By a Redneck...
1. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
2. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
3. Duct tape won't fix that.
4. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
5. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
6. We don't keep firearms in this house.
7. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
8. You can't feed that to the dog.
9. I thought Graceland was tacky.
10. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
1. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
2. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
3. Duct tape won't fix that.
4. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
5. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
6. We don't keep firearms in this house.
7. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
8. You can't feed that to the dog.
9. I thought Graceland was tacky.
10. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Bumper Stickers
See any good bumper stickers lately? Here are some you may have seen around...
* Driver Carrys no cash - He's Married
* Horn broken. Watch for finger.
* Keep honking...I'm reloading.
* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
* All generalizations are false.
* Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
* I brake for no apparent reason.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
* I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
* Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
* Rehab is for quitters.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
* Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
* No radio - Already stolen.
* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
* Caution: I drive like you do.
* Driver Carrys no cash - He's Married
* Horn broken. Watch for finger.
* Keep honking...I'm reloading.
* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
* All generalizations are false.
* Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
* I brake for no apparent reason.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
* I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
* Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
* Rehab is for quitters.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
* Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
* No radio - Already stolen.
* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
* Caution: I drive like you do.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Blonde Joke
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch some sleep.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question : "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay" says the lawyer, your turn.
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you !" and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks: "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question : "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay" says the lawyer, your turn.
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you !" and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks: "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
10 Commandements of a Teenager!!!
1) Thou shall not sneek out when parents are sleeping. (why wait?)
2) Thou shall not do drugz (alcohol last longer)
3) Thou shall not steel from k-mart. (Wal*Mart has a bigger selection)
4) Thou shall not get arrested for vandalism. (destruction has a bigger effect)
5) Thou shall not steel from thy parents. (every-1 knows grandma has more money)
6) Thou shall not get in fights. (just start them)
7) Thou shall not skip class. (just take the whole day off)
8) Thou shall not strip in class. (hooters pays more)
9) Thou shall not think about having sex. (as nike sayz just do it)
10) Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street. (just leave them in the middle)
2) Thou shall not do drugz (alcohol last longer)
3) Thou shall not steel from k-mart. (Wal*Mart has a bigger selection)
4) Thou shall not get arrested for vandalism. (destruction has a bigger effect)
5) Thou shall not steel from thy parents. (every-1 knows grandma has more money)
6) Thou shall not get in fights. (just start them)
7) Thou shall not skip class. (just take the whole day off)
8) Thou shall not strip in class. (hooters pays more)
9) Thou shall not think about having sex. (as nike sayz just do it)
10) Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street. (just leave them in the middle)
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Quick Jokes
Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.
Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.
Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.
Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.
Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.
Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.
Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.
Q. How do you double the value of a Geo Metro?
A. Fill it with gas.
Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A. Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.
You should always give 100% at work...
12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday
Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.
Q. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste!
Q. Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll that they're selling in stores now?
A. It comes with all of Ken's stuff.
Q. What does a skeleton get when he goes to a bar?
A. A beer and a mop.
Q. What do you call Maoris on Prozac?
A. Once were worriers.
Q. What's a hindu?
A. Lays eggs.
Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
A. About two - if they're thinly sliced.
Q. What do you call a man with no arms or legs that can swim across a pool?
A. Clever Dick
Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
A. The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Q. How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
A. Three - his left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear.
Q. Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?
A. He loved it, but it scared the hell out of his dog.
Q. Why did the leper crash his car?
A. He left his foot on the accelerator.
Q. What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?
A. Wipe him off, apologize and RUN!
Q. What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A. Swim!
Q. Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
A. Because it was dead.
Q. Why did the Leper go back into the shower?
A. He forgot his Head and Shoulders.
Q. What do you get when a Leper takes a bath?
A. Soup.
Q. Why did the ref call a penalty during the Leper Hockey game?
A. Because there was a face off in the corner.
Q. What's a Lepers favorite sport?
A. Football.
Q. What is Osama bin Laden's idea of safe sex?
A. Marking the camels that kick.
Q. What should Kabul get for its air defense system?
A. A refund.
Q. Why did the tree fall down?
A. The koala forgot to let go.
Q. How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
Q. What do you do if a bird shits on your car?
A. Don't ask her out again.
Q. What do you call 100 men at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A. A computer only needs the information punched into it once.
Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A. No-Eye Deer. (sound like No Idea)
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A. Still no eye deer.
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no sexual organs?
A. Still no fucking eye deer.
Q. Why are women like condoms?
A. They spend 90% of their time in your wallet, and 10% on your dick.
Q. What can a lifesaver do for a woman a man can't?
A. Cum in five different flavours.
Q. Who is the poorest guy in West Virginia?
A. The Tooth Fairy
Q. Did you hear that Fed Ex and UPS are going to merge?
A. Yeah. They're going to call it FED UP!
Q. What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?
A. The car salesman can probably drive!
Q. Did you hear about the guy who's a dyslexic-bulimic?
A. He eats, and then he sticks his finger up his ass.
Q. What do your boss and a slinky have in common?
A. They're both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.
A. He's all right now.
Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.
Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.
Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.
Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.
Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.
Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.
Q. How do you double the value of a Geo Metro?
A. Fill it with gas.
Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A. Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.
You should always give 100% at work...
12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday
Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.
Q. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste!
Q. Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll that they're selling in stores now?
A. It comes with all of Ken's stuff.
Q. What does a skeleton get when he goes to a bar?
A. A beer and a mop.
Q. What do you call Maoris on Prozac?
A. Once were worriers.
Q. What's a hindu?
A. Lays eggs.
Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
A. About two - if they're thinly sliced.
Q. What do you call a man with no arms or legs that can swim across a pool?
A. Clever Dick
Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
A. The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Q. How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
A. Three - his left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear.
Q. Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?
A. He loved it, but it scared the hell out of his dog.
Q. Why did the leper crash his car?
A. He left his foot on the accelerator.
Q. What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?
A. Wipe him off, apologize and RUN!
Q. What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A. Swim!
Q. Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
A. Because it was dead.
Q. Why did the Leper go back into the shower?
A. He forgot his Head and Shoulders.
Q. What do you get when a Leper takes a bath?
A. Soup.
Q. Why did the ref call a penalty during the Leper Hockey game?
A. Because there was a face off in the corner.
Q. What's a Lepers favorite sport?
A. Football.
Q. What is Osama bin Laden's idea of safe sex?
A. Marking the camels that kick.
Q. What should Kabul get for its air defense system?
A. A refund.
Q. Why did the tree fall down?
A. The koala forgot to let go.
Q. How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
Q. What do you do if a bird shits on your car?
A. Don't ask her out again.
Q. What do you call 100 men at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A. A computer only needs the information punched into it once.
Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A. No-Eye Deer. (sound like No Idea)
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A. Still no eye deer.
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no sexual organs?
A. Still no fucking eye deer.
Q. Why are women like condoms?
A. They spend 90% of their time in your wallet, and 10% on your dick.
Q. What can a lifesaver do for a woman a man can't?
A. Cum in five different flavours.
Q. Who is the poorest guy in West Virginia?
A. The Tooth Fairy
Q. Did you hear that Fed Ex and UPS are going to merge?
A. Yeah. They're going to call it FED UP!
Q. What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?
A. The car salesman can probably drive!
Q. Did you hear about the guy who's a dyslexic-bulimic?
A. He eats, and then he sticks his finger up his ass.
Q. What do your boss and a slinky have in common?
A. They're both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
101 Ways To Be Annoying
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog."
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the
room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard
Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J. Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until
physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in
the tray.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people
pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers
in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it,
announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog."
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the
room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard
Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J. Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until
physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in
the tray.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people
pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers
in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it,
announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
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