Reject Pick-Up Lines

Ways to reject pick-up lines

1.) Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
3.) Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

4.) Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."

5.) The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who
used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to
dance and she refused:
Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."

6.) Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

7.) Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator."

8.) And here's one including the correct snappy return
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized, screw off!"

9.) A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach
her in a club while she was in college with the line,"Where have you been
all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half
of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

10.) A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation.
We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just
walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at?"
My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were
good looking, but he was mistaken."

11.) While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes"
had been rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies
explained how she handled it once...
When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like,
"Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!"
She responded, "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" He immediately
blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.

12.) "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
You make me wanna... Zee

Things We Can Learn From a Dog

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

When it's in your best interest, always practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps and always stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you are criticized, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.

Blonde Joke

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds"...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer ... wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it ... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

Things Dogs Should Remember

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

Kitty box crunchies are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

Dad's Dating Rules

10 of Daddy's Rules for Dating

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering
a package, becasue you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance
at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If
you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I
will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age
to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling
off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all
of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and
open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:
You may come to the door with your underwear showing and
your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in
order to ensure that your clothes do no, infact come off during
the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric
nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me
elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill
you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other, we should talk aobut sports, politics, and other issues of
the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require
from you is an indication of when you expect to have my
duaghter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from
you on this subject is: early."

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as
it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out
with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until
she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you
cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.
If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be
dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than
can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of
just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like
changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer
than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. PLaces
where there is dancing,holding hands, or happiness. Places
where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my
duaghter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything
othere than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped
up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme
are to be avoided; movies which features chan saws are okay.
Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes
are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my
daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe.
If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one
chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the
truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the
house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid,. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake
the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in
over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange stargts
acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the
guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as
you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both
hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in
a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely
and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to
come inside. The camoflaged face at the window is mine.

Children's Proverbs

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:

People in glass houses shouldn't . . . run around naked.

Better to be safe than . . . punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the . . . bug is close.

It's always darkest before . . . daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of . . . termites.

You can lead a horse to water but . . . how?

Don't bite the hand that . . . looks dirty.

No news is . . . impossible.

A miss is as good as a . . . Mr.

You can't teach an old dog . . . math.

If you lie down with dogs, you . . . will stink in the morning.

Love all, trust . . . me.

The pen is mightier than . . . the pigs.

An idle mind is . . . the best way to relax.

Where there is smoke, there is . . . pollution.

Happy is the bride who . . . gets all the presents.

A penny saved is . . . not much.

Two is company, three is . . . The Musketeers.

None are so blind as . . . Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed . . . get new batteries.

You get out of something what you . . . see pictured on the box.

When the blind lead the blind . . . get out of the way.

There is no fool like . . . Aunt Edie.

Golf

Jesus, Moses and an old man were out playing golf one day. Jesus teed off first, and the ball flew straight over the fairway, landed in the green and rolled to within a couple feet of the hole. Moses hit second, and his ball also soared and landed close to the hole. Both looked over at the old man. The old man took a few practice swings, then let loose on his ball. The ball flew off into the rough. Just then, a squirrel jumped over, grabbed the ball in his mouth and started running across the fairway. An eagle swooped down and grabbed the squirrel in its claws, but before it could get too far, a bolt of lightning struck the bird. The ball fell and a sudden gust of wind dropped it directly into the hole. Jesus glared at the old man and said: "Alright Dad, quit showing off!"

You don't know Jack Schitt

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.


Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

Bible

10. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold.

9. The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in
a large font.

8. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.

7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.

6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.

5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

4. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.

3. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.

2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't
want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He
would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-
nighter.