Farming

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have grasshoppers in Texas?"

All In A Days Work

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed." She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper
the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table, and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.

She, then, put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the washer, ironed a shirt, and secured a loose button. She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table, and put the phone book back into the drawer. She watered the plants,emptied a wastebasket, and hung up a towel to dry.

She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a schoolbook out from hiding under a chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend,
addressed and stamped the envelope, and wrote a quick list for the grocery store. She put both near her purse. She then, washed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth.

Hubby called, "I thought you were going to bed."

"I'm on my way," she said. She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of The kids. She turned off a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the
hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one child who was still awake doing homework. In her own room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow.

About that time, hubby turned off the TV and announced, to no one in particular, "I'm going to bed," and...he did.

Affairs

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awaking around eight p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.

Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?"demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling", replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

A Women's Random Thoughts

Skinny people piss me off! Especially when the say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat." Now, I have forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to
forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a damn.

They ;keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go th the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen bitch. . . do it and die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

I( read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"