Two blind pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,"Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna' scream too late and we're all gonna die."
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Things a Man Wouldn't Say & Things a Woman Wouldn't Say
Things A Man Would Never Say:
- I think Barry Manilow is one cool dude.
- While I'm up, can I get YOU a beer?
- I think hairy butts are really sexy.
- Her boobs are just way too big.
- Sometimes I just want to be held.
- That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
- Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
- We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
- Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
- I think we are lost, we better pull over ands ask for directions.
Things A Woman Would Never Say:
- Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
- Go ahead and leave the seat up, doesn't bother me at all!
- I think hairy butts are really sexy.
- Hey, get a whiff of that one.
- Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
- This diamond is way too big!
- I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
- Wow, five inches is just too much for me!
- Does this make my butt look too small?
- I'm wrong, you must be right again.
- I think Barry Manilow is one cool dude.
- While I'm up, can I get YOU a beer?
- I think hairy butts are really sexy.
- Her boobs are just way too big.
- Sometimes I just want to be held.
- That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
- Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
- We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
- Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
- I think we are lost, we better pull over ands ask for directions.
Things A Woman Would Never Say:
- Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
- Go ahead and leave the seat up, doesn't bother me at all!
- I think hairy butts are really sexy.
- Hey, get a whiff of that one.
- Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
- This diamond is way too big!
- I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
- Wow, five inches is just too much for me!
- Does this make my butt look too small?
- I'm wrong, you must be right again.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Bathroom Etiquette
In the men's room, an accountant, a lawyer and a farmer were standing side by side using the urinal.
The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he held about 20 paper towels before he
finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from Harvard and they taught us to be sanitary."
The lawyer finished, zipped up, went to the sink and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from UC Berkeley and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The farmer zipped up and as he was walking directly out the door said, "I graduated from WVU and they taught us not to piss on our fingers"
The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he held about 20 paper towels before he
finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from Harvard and they taught us to be sanitary."
The lawyer finished, zipped up, went to the sink and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from UC Berkeley and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The farmer zipped up and as he was walking directly out the door said, "I graduated from WVU and they taught us not to piss on our fingers"
Sunday, July 8, 2012
American's
Facts about Americans. Did you know that........
-only 30% of us can flare our nostrils
-21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
-Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their
husbands to do it correctly.
-40% of women have hurled footwear at a man
-85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear
-67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs)
-the average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a
34B
-85% of women wear the wrong bra size
-3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with
singles leading up to higher denominations
-13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring's homework
-91% of us lie regularly
-27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz
-29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store
-50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to
avoid the high prices of snack foods
-90% believe in divine retribution
-10% believe in the 10 Commandments
-82% believe in an afterlife
-45% believe in ghosts
-13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail
-29% of us are virgins when we marry
-58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't
-10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item
-Over 50% believe in spanking---but only a child over 2 years
old
-35% give to charity at least once a month
-How far would you go for $10 million?
-25% would abandon their friends, family, and church
-7% would murder
-69% eat the cake before the frosting
-When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton
-85% of us will eat Spam this year
-70% of us drink orange juice daily
-Snickers is the most popular candy
-22% of us skip lunch daily
-9% of us skip breakfast daily
-66% of us eat cereal regularly
-22% of all restaurant meals include french fries
-14% of us eat the watermelon seeds
-only 13% brush our teeth from side to side
-45% use mouthwash every day
-22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink
-the typical shower is 101 degrees F
-Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair
-9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery
-53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on
-58% of women paint their nails regularly
-62% of us pop our zits
-33% of women lie about their weight
-10% of us claim to have seen a ghost
-57% have had deja vu
-49% believe in ESP
-4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids
-the average girl starts her period at age 12
-44% have broken a bone
-only 30% of us know our cholesterol level
-14% have attended a self-help meeting
-15% regularly go to a shrink
-78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home
-46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've
used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up
-30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat
-54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet
-23.5% admit they don't always flush
-45.2% pee in the shower
-44.9% pee in the ocean
-28.1% pee in the pool
-55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they're
using the toilet
-39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been
caught by the host.
-81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants
-29% of us ignore RSVP
-71.6% of us eavesdrop
-22% are functionally illiterate
-less than 10% are trilingual
-37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR
-53% prefer ATM machines over tellers
-56% of women do the bills in a marriage
-2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night
for a million bucks
-20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life
-40% of us have had music lessons
-44% reuse tinfoil
-57% save pretty gift paper to reuse
-66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken
credit for doing it from scratch
-53% read their horoscopes regularly
-16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly
men)
-59% of us say we're average-looking -blacks are more than twice
as likely to call themselves beautiful
-90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us
-53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers
-28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.
-51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity -on average,
we send 38 Christmas cards every year
-20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends
-2 out of 5 have married their first love
-the biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money
-only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand
-1 in 5 men proposed on his knees
-6% propose over the phone
-71% can drive a stick-shift car
-45% of us consistently follow the speed limit
-2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light
-1/3 of us don't wear seat belts
-12% of men never use their car blinkers
ARE YOU NORMAL?
-only 30% of us can flare our nostrils
-21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
-Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their
husbands to do it correctly.
-40% of women have hurled footwear at a man
-85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear
-67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs)
-the average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a
34B
-85% of women wear the wrong bra size
-3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with
singles leading up to higher denominations
-13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring's homework
-91% of us lie regularly
-27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz
-29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store
-50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to
avoid the high prices of snack foods
-90% believe in divine retribution
-10% believe in the 10 Commandments
-82% believe in an afterlife
-45% believe in ghosts
-13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail
-29% of us are virgins when we marry
-58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't
-10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item
-Over 50% believe in spanking---but only a child over 2 years
old
-35% give to charity at least once a month
-How far would you go for $10 million?
-25% would abandon their friends, family, and church
-7% would murder
-69% eat the cake before the frosting
-When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton
-85% of us will eat Spam this year
-70% of us drink orange juice daily
-Snickers is the most popular candy
-22% of us skip lunch daily
-9% of us skip breakfast daily
-66% of us eat cereal regularly
-22% of all restaurant meals include french fries
-14% of us eat the watermelon seeds
-only 13% brush our teeth from side to side
-45% use mouthwash every day
-22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink
-the typical shower is 101 degrees F
-Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair
-9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery
-53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on
-58% of women paint their nails regularly
-62% of us pop our zits
-33% of women lie about their weight
-10% of us claim to have seen a ghost
-57% have had deja vu
-49% believe in ESP
-4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids
-the average girl starts her period at age 12
-44% have broken a bone
-only 30% of us know our cholesterol level
-14% have attended a self-help meeting
-15% regularly go to a shrink
-78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home
-46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've
used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up
-30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat
-54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet
-23.5% admit they don't always flush
-45.2% pee in the shower
-44.9% pee in the ocean
-28.1% pee in the pool
-55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they're
using the toilet
-39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been
caught by the host.
-81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants
-29% of us ignore RSVP
-71.6% of us eavesdrop
-22% are functionally illiterate
-less than 10% are trilingual
-37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR
-53% prefer ATM machines over tellers
-56% of women do the bills in a marriage
-2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night
for a million bucks
-20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life
-40% of us have had music lessons
-44% reuse tinfoil
-57% save pretty gift paper to reuse
-66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken
credit for doing it from scratch
-53% read their horoscopes regularly
-16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly
men)
-59% of us say we're average-looking -blacks are more than twice
as likely to call themselves beautiful
-90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us
-53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers
-28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.
-51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity -on average,
we send 38 Christmas cards every year
-20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends
-2 out of 5 have married their first love
-the biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money
-only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand
-1 in 5 men proposed on his knees
-6% propose over the phone
-71% can drive a stick-shift car
-45% of us consistently follow the speed limit
-2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light
-1/3 of us don't wear seat belts
-12% of men never use their car blinkers
ARE YOU NORMAL?
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Jesus
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was a drink.
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His mother didn't know who his father was.
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody brother.
2. He had no permanent address.
3. Nobody would hire him.
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion.
AND FINALLY, THE PROOF THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin,
and his mother was sure He was God
1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was a drink.
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His mother didn't know who his father was.
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody brother.
2. He had no permanent address.
3. Nobody would hire him.
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion.
AND FINALLY, THE PROOF THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin,
and his mother was sure He was God
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