Gone Fishing

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The young man replied without hesitating, "One."

The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid said, "$101,237.64."

The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"

The kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."
Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

And The Comedian Says....

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
--Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three."
--Elayne Boosler

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
--John Mendoza

"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
--Steven Wright

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should beseverance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the
pumpkin."
--Winston Spear

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives."
--Sue Murphy

"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One
day, he took me aside and left me there."
--Ron Richards

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else."
--Lily Tomlin

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four
people make up 75 percent of the population."
--David Letterman

"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still
far away."
--Billiam Coronell

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
--Lily Tomlin

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me,
the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe
clippers right here.'"
--Jerry Seinfeld

"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed
it."
--Steven Wright

"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them
above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' "
--Bruce Baum

"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't
know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You
know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know.
'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little
bit?"
--Garry Shandling

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't
cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

Fun Things To Do in an Elevator

When you get off the elevator, whisper to the others who stayed on, "I'd get off the elevator NOW if I were you."

When the other people in the elevator leave, yell "SHARON!"

Hum the "Mission Impossible" theme, speak into your lapel and say "Right, Jim".

When there is only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

Sit with a desk, pencil cup and a telephone in the elevator. When someone walks in, ask if they have an appointment. (thanks to Shoaib)

Push a button, pretend it gave you a shock. Smile and go back for more.

Ask the others in the elevator which floor they're going to, but push the wrong buttons.

Call the Psychic Hotline and ask them if they know which floor you're on.

Hold the doors open as if you're waiting for a friend, but then let it close. Say to nobody, "Hey, Wally, how's it been?"

Drop a pen, wait for someone to pick it up and then yell, "That's mine!"

Put a cardboard box in the corner; when someone gets on ask them if they can hear ticking.

When the doors close, announce, "Don't worry, they'll open again soon."

Enforce a group hug.

Open your purse slightly and say, "Do you have enough air in there?"

Tell one of the other passengers that you're sorry, but you're going to have to let him go.

Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

Shave.

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral".

On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now... motion sickness!"

Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

Sing along with the Muzak.

Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

Leave a box between the doors.

Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

Start a sing-along.

When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space.

Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it. quick!" then whistle innocently.

Things You Learn In College

But you don't learn these things in class

Quarters are like gold.

Flip-flops become as important as soap, and shampoo.

Asleep by 2:30 AM is an early night.

New additions to the food groups: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerry's, Ho-Hos and Oreos.

Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries.

Duct tape heals all wounds.

Showers become less important.

Sleep becomes more important.

10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class.

Going to the mailbox was never an ego-booster (or ego-breaker) before.

You begin to nap again.

The book your professor wrote is always required for his class.

E-mail becomes your second language.

Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.

Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they're a Godsend.

You never realized so many people are smarter than you.

You never realized so many people are dumber than you.

Professors are like celebrities: you see them, but they never see you.

Bum rides, money, notes and snacks as much as you can get them.

Don't burn bridges, especially if he's good in Biology.

Plain pasta never constituted a complete meal before.

The health service attendants are there because they couldn't make it in a real hospital, never ever forget that.

Forget putting the toilet seat down, you just pray that they flush.

Frisbee becomes a contact sport.

Care packages rank up there with birthdays.

College girls are the same as high school girls - just with more freedom, and no curfew.

Pop a vitamin and breakfast is covered.

Learn to love your roommate, especially when he leaves you the room.

You always thought that worshipping the porcelain god was just an expression, but it's not.

Printers only break down when you desperately need them.

Even though the beds are long, they are also extra narrow.

Things that were a huge deal in high school are now commonplace.

You never thought you would share so much about yourself with people you have known for such a short time.

Computer games go in and out faster than the latest fashions.

Any game can be made into a drinking game.

Disney movies are more than just classics.

Find one thing you like in the dining hall and go with it.

You will hear more stupid nicknames than you ever thought possible.

Phone calls almost never happen and when they do, you just don't get the messages.

Cereal makes a meal any time of day.

Keep your high school term papers; nowadays, everything is recycled.

ATMs are the devil's advocate.

Beware the boy in the Care Bear toga.

You almost forget how to drive.

You'll drink anything if it's free.

People still cheat; it's just more technologically advanced.

You get really good with excuses for skipping class.

The girl you're going to marry may live right next door, so keep your stereo down.

Ordering food at 1 AM is a common occurrence.

You never realized how cool you can be.

TV becomes a bigger time sucker than ever before.

You realize how great your hell summer job was once you have to study.

Keys have never been so important, yet you seem to lose them more than ever before.

You meet the type of people you only thought existed in the movies.

You learn to sleep with light, noise, extreme temperatures, and roommates snoring.

You don't have to cover your textbooks anymore.

You become a juggler with the balance between school, friends, girls, activities, work, parties.

You live for chicken finger day at the cafeteria.

People that were geeks in high school seem okay now.

You begin to realize that college is about the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes.

You get good at rationalizing on whether to do homework or not.

Procrastination becomes an art.

Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires.

The only reason you ever dress up is when everything else is dirty.

With all the wealth of knowledge around you, you start to feel like you're on intellectual welfare.

Going to the mini-mart is a major treat.

Amount of alcohol consumed is inversely proportional to grade point average.

You have two kinds of shoes: everyday shoes and party shoes.

Classes: the later the better.

The cute girls actually talk to you now.

Care packages make it all worthwhile.

The longer you're there, the less you talk about home.

Always wear your safety goggles. They're not kidding.

You don't learn last names.

Card games never lasted for hours before.

Vacuuming happens every semester, if you get around to it.

Boys will dance in college.

People who never talked to you in high school are now your best friends when you come home.

You are NEVER alone.

It's amazing how late you can stay up doing absolutely nothing, yet falling asleep in class or in the library takes an average of two seconds.

You spend a ridiculous amount of time pondering the mystery of whether the Lucky Charms in the cafeteria are the real thing.

People magazine is your deep philosophical reading material.

You begin to subdivide your room into sections such as den, library, etc. to make it sound like a house.

All you have to do to make new friends is have mom send some cookies.

You never realized how quiet your house was.

Dishes aren't dirty enough to wash until they have bugs and / or mold in them.

You get along so much better with your family now that you never see any of them.

Your life will never be the same again.