A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Always give 100% at work. 10% Mondays, 20% Tuesdays, 40% Wednesdays, 25% Thursdays, 5% Fridays. (thanks to Kyle Sullivan)
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
Teamwork means never having to take the blame yourself.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he / she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
If at first you don't succeed, go into management.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level, I'm really quite busy.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it left.
If you can stay calm while everything around you is chaos, then you probably don't understand the seriousness of the situation.
Plagiarism saves a lot of time.
If your request was truly urgent I would have done it already.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Rules For Work
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
5. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
6. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
7. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
8. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
9. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
10. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
12. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
5. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
6. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
7. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
8. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
9. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
10. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
12. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Mall Facts
Mall of America facts:
The Mall of America near Minneapolis, MN has over 500 stores.
It does not have a heating system. It relies on the heat from the lighting, the sunroof and all the people.
It has its own zip code.
It has four Gaps and an amusement park.
It draws 40 million visitors each year; more than Disney World, Graceland and the Grand Canyon combined.
The Mall of America is an international tourist attraction - more than one third of visitors come from over 150 miles away. Airlines offer travel and shopping package deals to shoppers from Germany, Japan, Switzerland, England and Australia.
Only five miles away from the Mall of America is the Southdale mall. It was the first enclosed shopping mall ever, opening less than 50 years ago (October 8, 1956).
The world's largest shopping mall is the West Edmonton Mall in Alberta, Canada.
West Edmonton Mall facts:
The "West Ed Mall" in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, there are over 800 stores.
It has the world's largest indoor wave pool.
It has over 110 places to eat.
Of course, West Ed Mall, the world's largest mall, has the world's largest parking lot.
There are one-third of a million lighting fixtures.
It has 58 entrances.
West Ed Mall was opened in 1981, and the fourth phase was completed 17 years later.
There are two A & Ws, two Baskin Robbinses, two KFCs, two Arbys, two Dairy Queens, three Orange Juliuses and three McDonalds in West Ed Mall.
Surprisingly, there is only one Starbucks there.
Other Mall facts:
There are 50,000 shopping malls in the United States alone.
Women will buy more if they hear their heels clicking on polished hard surfaces, so designers often use hard flooring in hallways. Inside the stores themselves, there is often carpeting or softer surfaces to lure customers in and make them feel at home.
Places to sit in the common areas of malls are hard to find. People aren't shopping when they're sitting.
Escalators are placed strategically to force shoppers to pass the maximum number of storefronts.
Most malls have bends and turns as shoppers typically won't walk towards something that seems more than one tenth of a mile away.
Floor plans in malls are disorienting for a reason - so shoppers cannot make a quick exit.
The average mall shopper stays for 80 minutes and spends $75 each visit.
The Mall of America near Minneapolis, MN has over 500 stores.
It does not have a heating system. It relies on the heat from the lighting, the sunroof and all the people.
It has its own zip code.
It has four Gaps and an amusement park.
It draws 40 million visitors each year; more than Disney World, Graceland and the Grand Canyon combined.
The Mall of America is an international tourist attraction - more than one third of visitors come from over 150 miles away. Airlines offer travel and shopping package deals to shoppers from Germany, Japan, Switzerland, England and Australia.
Only five miles away from the Mall of America is the Southdale mall. It was the first enclosed shopping mall ever, opening less than 50 years ago (October 8, 1956).
The world's largest shopping mall is the West Edmonton Mall in Alberta, Canada.
West Edmonton Mall facts:
The "West Ed Mall" in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, there are over 800 stores.
It has the world's largest indoor wave pool.
It has over 110 places to eat.
Of course, West Ed Mall, the world's largest mall, has the world's largest parking lot.
There are one-third of a million lighting fixtures.
It has 58 entrances.
West Ed Mall was opened in 1981, and the fourth phase was completed 17 years later.
There are two A & Ws, two Baskin Robbinses, two KFCs, two Arbys, two Dairy Queens, three Orange Juliuses and three McDonalds in West Ed Mall.
Surprisingly, there is only one Starbucks there.
Other Mall facts:
There are 50,000 shopping malls in the United States alone.
Women will buy more if they hear their heels clicking on polished hard surfaces, so designers often use hard flooring in hallways. Inside the stores themselves, there is often carpeting or softer surfaces to lure customers in and make them feel at home.
Places to sit in the common areas of malls are hard to find. People aren't shopping when they're sitting.
Escalators are placed strategically to force shoppers to pass the maximum number of storefronts.
Most malls have bends and turns as shoppers typically won't walk towards something that seems more than one tenth of a mile away.
Floor plans in malls are disorienting for a reason - so shoppers cannot make a quick exit.
The average mall shopper stays for 80 minutes and spends $75 each visit.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
If Men Got Pregnant
Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay.
There'd be a cure for stretch marks.
Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem.
All methods of birth control would be improved to 100 percent effectiveness.
Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained.
Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
They wouldn't think twins were quite so cute.
Fathers would demand that their sons be home from dates by 10:00pm.
Men could use their briefcases as diaper bags.
They'd have to stop saying, "I'm afraid I'll drop him".
Paternity suits would be a line of clothes.
They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months.
Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an entree.
Women would rule the world!
There'd be a cure for stretch marks.
Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem.
All methods of birth control would be improved to 100 percent effectiveness.
Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained.
Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
They wouldn't think twins were quite so cute.
Fathers would demand that their sons be home from dates by 10:00pm.
Men could use their briefcases as diaper bags.
They'd have to stop saying, "I'm afraid I'll drop him".
Paternity suits would be a line of clothes.
They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months.
Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an entree.
Women would rule the world!
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