1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Why?
1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
2. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
4. Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
5. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
6. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
7. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
8. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
9. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lips"?
10. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
11. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
12. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
13. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
14. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
15 Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
16. How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
17. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
18. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
19. In Winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in Summer, when we complained about the heat in Summer?
2. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
4. Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
5. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
6. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
7. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
8. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
9. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lips"?
10. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
11. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
12. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
13. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
14. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
15 Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
16. How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
17. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
18. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
19. In Winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in Summer, when we complained about the heat in Summer?
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Redneck Letter
Dearest Redneck Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 30 miles from your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last Alabama family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About the coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your favorite Aunt, MOM
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 30 miles from your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last Alabama family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About the coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your favorite Aunt, MOM
Sunday, January 20, 2013
A redneck, a sheep and a dog
A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again.
He leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear..."Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again.
He leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear..."Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Scottish Nuns
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs. "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their ‘dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their ‘dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Fun Facts
More than 10 people a year are killed by a vending machine.
Summer on Uranus lasts 21 years.
0.3% of solar energy from the Sahara is enough to power the whole of Europe.
Thomas Alva Edison patented almost 1,300 inventions in his lifetime.
The oil used by jewelers to lubricate clocks and watches costs about $3,000 a gallon.
The IRS processes more than 2 billion pieces of paper each year.
Jumbo jets use 4,000 gallons of fuel to take off.
It takes six months to build a Rolls Royce…and 13 hours to build a Toyota.
Car airbags kill 1 person for every 22 lives that they save.
About 39,000 gallons of water are used to produce the average car.
A car operates at maximum economy, gas-wise, at speeds between 25 and 35 miles per hour.
The most children born to one woman was 69, she was a peasant who lived a 40 year life, in which she had 16 twins, 7 triplets, and 4 quadruplets.
When glass breaks, the cracks move at speeds of up to 3,000 miles per hour.
Each day, there are over 120 million sexual intercourse taking place all over the world.
A new baby usually deprives each of it’s parents around 350-400 hours of sleep in the first year. That is one entire nights sleep per week, per parent.
If left alone, 70% of birthmarks gradually fade away.
One human hair can support 3 ounces.
The average person eats almost 1500 pounds of food a year.
The majority of suicides occur on a Monday.
The human eye blinks an average of 4,200,000 times a year.
There are 86,400 seconds in a day.
There are 2,500,000 rivets in the Eiffel Tower.
WAL-MART generates $3,000,000.00 in revenues every 7 minutes.
There are 635,013,559,599 possible hands in a game of bridge.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
The largest diamond ever found was 3,106 carats.
Seaweed can grow up to 12 inches per day.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
More than 6,000 people with pillow-related injuries check into U.S. emergency rooms every year.
More than 50% of Americans fall asleep on their sides.
More than 10% of the world’s salt is used to de-ice American roads.
It takes 492 seconds for sunlight to reach the Earth.
In an average hour, there are over 61,000 Americans airborne over the United States.
In 2003, the U.S. Government spent about $2,000,000.00 on potato research.
Each year, more than 50,000 people are injured by jewelry in the U.S.
Summer on Uranus lasts 21 years.
0.3% of solar energy from the Sahara is enough to power the whole of Europe.
Thomas Alva Edison patented almost 1,300 inventions in his lifetime.
The oil used by jewelers to lubricate clocks and watches costs about $3,000 a gallon.
The IRS processes more than 2 billion pieces of paper each year.
Jumbo jets use 4,000 gallons of fuel to take off.
It takes six months to build a Rolls Royce…and 13 hours to build a Toyota.
Car airbags kill 1 person for every 22 lives that they save.
About 39,000 gallons of water are used to produce the average car.
A car operates at maximum economy, gas-wise, at speeds between 25 and 35 miles per hour.
The most children born to one woman was 69, she was a peasant who lived a 40 year life, in which she had 16 twins, 7 triplets, and 4 quadruplets.
When glass breaks, the cracks move at speeds of up to 3,000 miles per hour.
Each day, there are over 120 million sexual intercourse taking place all over the world.
A new baby usually deprives each of it’s parents around 350-400 hours of sleep in the first year. That is one entire nights sleep per week, per parent.
If left alone, 70% of birthmarks gradually fade away.
One human hair can support 3 ounces.
The average person eats almost 1500 pounds of food a year.
The majority of suicides occur on a Monday.
The human eye blinks an average of 4,200,000 times a year.
There are 86,400 seconds in a day.
There are 2,500,000 rivets in the Eiffel Tower.
WAL-MART generates $3,000,000.00 in revenues every 7 minutes.
There are 635,013,559,599 possible hands in a game of bridge.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
The largest diamond ever found was 3,106 carats.
Seaweed can grow up to 12 inches per day.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
More than 6,000 people with pillow-related injuries check into U.S. emergency rooms every year.
More than 50% of Americans fall asleep on their sides.
More than 10% of the world’s salt is used to de-ice American roads.
It takes 492 seconds for sunlight to reach the Earth.
In an average hour, there are over 61,000 Americans airborne over the United States.
In 2003, the U.S. Government spent about $2,000,000.00 on potato research.
Each year, more than 50,000 people are injured by jewelry in the U.S.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Dog Letters To God
Dear God,
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?
Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle.
Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God,
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?
Dear God,
If we come back as humans, is that good, or bad?
Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street.
Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God,
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets thing, again?
Dear God,
May I have my testicles back if I get into Heaven?
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?
Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle.
Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God,
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?
Dear God,
If we come back as humans, is that good, or bad?
Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street.
Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God,
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets thing, again?
Dear God,
May I have my testicles back if I get into Heaven?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)