Useless Facts

Assuming Rudolph is in front, the number of possible way to arrange Santa's other eight reindeer is 40,320.

Divide your weight by six to get the approximate number of quarts of blood in your body.

A rat can go without water longer than a camel can.

The Monongahela River's name translated into English means "high banks breaking off and falling down in places."

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

Hummingbirds are the only animal that can fly backwards.

During his life time, the average male eats 50 tons of food.

Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest anagrams.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village."

It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up it's stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of it's mouth. Then the frog uses it's forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.

The human body contains enough fat to make seven bars of soap and enough iron to make a single one inch nail.

Most heart attacks occur between 6:00 a.m. and noon when blood pressure naturally rises.

Twenty-six astronauts have reported seeing UFOs while in orbit around the Earth.

Fingernails grow four times faster than toenails--about two hundredths of an inch per week.

Dr. Samuel A. Mudd was the physician who set the leg of Lincoln's assassin John Wilkes Booth...and whose shame created the expression for ignominy, "His name is Mudd."

Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.


Your brain uses 10 times more oxygen than the rest of your body.
Because the eyes work harder when viewing objects up close, particularly on a computer monitor, it is the proximity of the VDT screen to the eyes that causes eyestrain, not "radiation" emitted from the screen.

Albert Einstein didn't talk until he was four years old.

"I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

Most precious gems are actually colorless. Their color comes from impurities in the stone than act as pigmenting agents.

Gordon Sumner, the rock star and actor known as Sting, got his nickname from the yellow-and-black jerseys he used to wear, which fellow musicians thought made him look like a bumble bee.

A lightning bolt heats the air around it to three times the temperature of the sun's surface.

For every shark that takes a bite out of a human being, humans kill about a million sharks.

Ben and Jerry's send the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint Oreo.

They live an average of 77 years and have the longest lifespan in the United States - nuns.

Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble's Maiden name was Betty Jean Mcbricker.

A giant squid's eye is the largest of any animal's, exceeding 15 inches in diameter.
The shoestring was invented in England in 1790. Prior to this time, all shoes were fastened with buckles.

The state of Kansas once passed legislation rounding off the value of Pi from 3.14159265... to an even 3.

The average American adult has 23 decayed or filled surfaces.

The life span of a taste bud is ten days.

Until 1890, Vatican choirboys were castrated to keep their voices from deepening.

Gymnastics is the only sport more popular with women than with men.

In 1879 a drug was introduced to treat morphine addiction. The drug: cocaine.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life"

Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.

Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself. How they tested this I'm afraid to ask.

If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.

If your eyes are six feet above the surface of the ocean, the horizon will be about three statute miles away.

Alaska has the highest percentage of Baby Boomers; Utah the lowest.

If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need gravity to swallow.

Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

On average, an adult laughs about 15 times a day; a child laughs 400 times.

In medieval England beer was often served with breakfast.

The lens of the eye continues to grow throughout a person's life.

The Atlantic Ocean is saltier than the Pacific Ocean.

The telephone area code for a cruise ship in the Atlantic Ocean is 871.

There are more stars in the universe, than grains of sand on all the beaches in the world.

On the day that "The Wizard of Oz's" Judy Garland died, a tornado touched down in Kansas.

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

"111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321"

The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

The bones of a pigeon weigh less than its feathers.

At 90 degrees (F) below zero your breath will freeze in midair and fall to the ground.

The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

Charles Lindbergh took only four sandwiches with him on his famous transatlantic flight.

3000 cows are needed to supply the leather for a year.s supply of NFL footballs.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

If there were ever an ocean big enough, Saturn would be the only planet that could float.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

The Hewlett Packard computer company.s first product was an automatic urinal flusher.
All the coal, oil, gas, and wood on Earth would only keep the Sun burning for a few days.

A group of rhinos is called a crash.

Bank robber John Dillinger played professional baseball.

At Old English weddings, guests through shoes at the groom.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

Your hearing is not as sharp on a full stomach.

The last United States train robbery took place in 1933.

A 1,200 pound horse eats about 15 lbs. of hay and nine pounds of grain everyday (seven times its own weight each year).

Einstein couldn.t read until the age of nine.

The two lines that connect the bottom of your nose to your lip are called the philtrum.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.

1/100th of a second is called a "jiffy".

A group of kangaroos is called a mob.

The housefly hums in the middle octave, key of F.

"J", the youngest letter in the English alphabet, was not added until the 1600s.
It takes around 200,000 frowns to create a permanent brow line.

The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's baby daughter, Ruth.

The fastest-moving land snail is the common qarden snail whose top speed is 55 yards per hour or 0.0313 mph.

The most common time to sight a UFO is 11pm.

There are 31,557,600 seconds in a year.

The right lung takes in more air than the left.

On average, Americans buy 1.5 toothbrushes a year.

60% of the swimsuits sold in the U.S. never get wet.

It takes about 30 minutes for an aspirin to find a headache.

In Nepal, Mt. Everest is known as "Gauriosankar".

Los Angeles Police Department ballistics experts say that the fastest bullet is fired from a .223 caliber rifle and travels at 3,500 feet per second, more than 3 times the speed of sound.

If an octopus is hungry enough, it will eat its own arms.

The knee-high measurement of an average-sized grasshopper is about 1/2 inch.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

A group of cows, twelve or more, are known as a "flink."

In a survey of 5,000 U.S. nurses, 40 percent said they would not recommend the medical facility where they worked to a relative.

The ancient Romans died their hair with bird droppings.

Only pharoahs were allowed to eat mushrooms in ancient Egypt.

What area of your body has the most bacteria? Between your toes.

Jimmy Carter was the first U.S. president to have been born in a hospital.

Ratio of inductees into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame who are hearing impaired: 3 in 5.

The Yo-yo is believed to be the second-oldest toy in the world after dolls. The Greeks played with yo-yos as far back as 500 B.C.

You use 15 different muscles in your face to laugh.

The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows."

A group of ravens is called a murder.

Cleo and Caesar were the early stage names of Cher and Sonny Bono.

Only about half of all spiders spin webs.

Kangaroos are lactose-intolerant.

Charles Darwin's cousin invented the IQ test.

Goats can.t legally wear trousers in Massachusetts.

Niagara Falls was created by a glacier.

Abraham Lincoln hated being called "Abe".

5% of Americans let their dishes pile up for a couple of days before washing them.

Clams can live as long as 150 years.

In ancient China, doctors received their fees only if their patients were kept healthy. If the patient's health failed, the doctor sometimes paid the patient.

It.s illegal to ride an ugly horse down the street in Wilbur, Washington.

The skin on your eyelid is one one-thousandth of an inch deep (the thinnest); the skin on your back is one-fifth of an inch (the thickest).

According to research, you.ll blow your nose about 250 times this year.

Cows can be identified by noseprints.

There are 2,598,960 possible hands in a five-card poker game.

A group of frogs is called an army.

101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents are present and don't die throughout the entire movie.

An electric eel's charge is so potent it can knock a horse unconscious from twenty feet away.

70% of house dust consists of human skin.

Artichokes are flowers.

Elephants breathe 12 times a minute.

It's impossible to snore in the weightlessness of space.

Mosquitos have 47 teeth.

An ecstatically weeping woman paid $8,625 at an auction for a pair of horseshoes worn by Mr. Ed.

Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

The first tennis balls were stuffed with human hair.

The average blink of an eye lasts one-tenth of a second.

The average American uses 12 gallons of water while showering.

Abe Lincoln's favorite sport was wrestling.

In the Middle Ages, you were supposed to throw eggs at the bride and groom.
In Lawrence, Kansas, it.s against the law to carry bees around in your hat on city streets.

According to the Consumer Product Safety Commission, the number of injuries caused by plug-in air fresheners is 1,823.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

Tomato ketchup was once sold in the U.S. as a medicine.

Snakes can get malaria.

Only 30% of humans can flare their nostrils.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

Ducks can get the flu.

Siberia means "sleeping land."

In the Leaning Tower of Pisa, 6 of the tower.s eight floors are without safety rails. More than 250 people have fallen to their deaths since 1174.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"--and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: "L.A."

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.

When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.(DON'T try this @ home!)

Mr.Rogers is an ordained minister.

A golden razor removed from King Tut's Tomb was still sharp enough to be used.
Abdul Kassam Ismael, Grand Vizier of Persia in the tenth century, carried his library with him wherever he went. The 117,000 volumes were carried by 400 camels trained to walk in alphabetical order.

According to the Encyclopedia Britannica, 11th Edition, from 1910-1911, the word toast was borrowed from the Old French toste, which has the Latin root of torrere, tostum, meaning to scorch or burn.

Acting was once considered evil, and actors in the first English play to be performed in America were arrested.

All of the officers in the Confederate army were given copies of Les Miserables, by Victor Hugo, to carry with them at all times. Robert E. Lee, among others, believed that the book symbolized their cause. Both revolts were defeated.

All office seekers in the Roman empire were obliged to wear a certain white toga for a period of one year before the election.

At the turn of the last millennium, Dublin Ireland had the largest slave market in the world, run by the Vikings.

Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant plenty of excrement.

Before the 1800's there were no separately designed shoes for right and left feet.
Czar Paul I banished soldiers to Siberia for marching out of step.

Dog Days: Days of great heat. The Romans called the hottest weeks of summer canculares dies. Their theory was that the Dog Star (Sirius) rising with the sun, added to its heat and the dog-days (about July 3 to August 11) bore the combined heat of both.

During 18th century France, visitors to the royal palace in Versailles were allowed to stand in a roped-off section of the main dining room and watch the king and queen eat.

During the Cambrian period, about 500 million years ago, a day was only 20.6 hours long.

During the Depression, banks first used Scotch tape to mend torn currency.
During the eighteenth century, books that were considered offensive were sometimes punished by being whipped.

Everyone believed in the Middle Ages--as Aristotle had--that the heart was the seat of intelligence.

Evidence of shoemaking exists as early as 10,000 B.C.

Francis Scott Key was a young lawyer who wrote the poem 'The Star Spangled Banner' after being inspired by watching the Americans fight off the British attack of Baltimore during the War of 1812. The poem became the words to the national anthem.

If a family had 2 servants or less in the U.S. in 1900, census takers recorded it as lower middle-class.

If we had the same mortality rate as in the 1900s, more than half the people in the world today would not be alive.

If you were born in Los Alamos, New Mexico during the Manhattan project (where they made the atomic bomb), your birth place is listed as a post office box in Albequerque.

In 1778, fashionable women of Paris never went out in blustery weather without a lightning rod attached to their hats.

In ancient Egypt, killing a cat was a crime punishable by death.

In certain parts of India and ancient China, mouse meat was considered a delicacy.
In midieval England, beer often was served with breakfast.

In the 1700's, you could purchase insurance against going to hell, in London, England.

It cost more to buy a car today in the United States than it cost Christopher Columbus to equip and undertake three voyages to the New World.

It has been calculated that in the last 3,500 years, there have only been 230 years of peace throughout the civilized world.

January is National Soup month.

Native Americans never actually ate turkey; killing such a timid bird was thought to indicate laziness.

53,312 inmate lawsuits were filed nationwide in 1995.

A Virginia law requires all bathtubs to be kept out in the yards, not inside the house.

According to British law passed in 1845, attempting to commit suicide was a capital offense. Offenders could be hanged for trying.

Christmas was once illegal in England.

George Washington is the only man whose birthday is a legal holiday in every state of the U.S as of a few years ago.

Impotence is legal grounds for divorce in 24 American states.

In Alaska it is illegal to shoot at a moose from the window of an aeroplane or other flying vehicle.

In Baltimore USA it is illegal to wash or scrub a sink regardless of how dirty it is.

In Cleveland, Ohio it is illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.

In Hartford, Connecticut, it is illegal for a husband to kiss his wife on Sundays.

In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry ice-cream in your back pocket.

In Texas, it is illegal to put graffiti on someone else's cow.

In the UK, there is no act of parliament making it illegal to commit murder. Murder is only illegal due to legal precedent.

It is illegal to eat oranges while bathing in California.

It is illegal to frown at cows in Bladworth, Saskatchewan.

It is illegal to hunt camels in the state of Arizona.

It was once against the law to have a pet dog in a city in Iceland.

It was once against the law to slam your car door in a city in Switzerland.

Mailing an entire building has been illegal in the U.S. since 1916 when a man mailed a 40,000-ton brick house across Utah to avoid high freight rates.

Pennsylvania was the first colony to legalize witchcraft.

107 incorrect medical procedures will be performed by the end of the day today.

A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.

A bolt of lighting can strike the earth with a force as great as 100 million volts.

A cesium atom in an atomic clock beats 9,192,631,770 times a second.

A creep is a metallurgical term for when something that is normally very strong bends because of gravity. This happens to many metals at high temperatures, where they won't melt but they will creep.

A cubic mile of fog is made up of less than a gallon of water.

A device invented as a primitive steam engine by the Greek engineer Hero, about the time of the birth of Christ, is used today as a rotating lawn sprinkler.

A full moon always rises at sunset.

A full moon is nine times brighter than a half moon.

A jumbo jet uses 4,000 gallons of fuel to take off.

A normal raindrop falls at about 7 miles per hour.

A penny whistle has six finger holes.

A rainbow can only occur when the sun is 40 degrees or less above the horizon.

A silicon chip a quarter-inch square has the capacity of the original 1949 ENIAC computer, which occupied a city block.

A standard grave is 7'8 x 3'2 x 6.

A syzygy occurs when three atronomical bodies line up.

A two-bit moon is in its first quarter.

A wind with a speed of 74 miles or more is designated a hurricane.

About seven million cars are junked each year in the U.S.

According to the Texas Department of Transportation, one person is killed annually painting stripes on the state's highways and roads.

All snow crystals are hexagonal.

All the gold produced in the past five hundred years, if melted, could be compressed into a 50-foot cube.

All totalled, the sunlight that strikes Earth at any given moment weighs as much as an ocean liner.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class.

An inch of snow falling evenly on one acre of ground is equivalent to about 2715 gallons of water.

Any free moving liquid in outer space will form itself into a sphere because of its surface tension.

Approximately 98% of software in China is pirated.

April is Earthquake Preparedness month. For a little added incentive, consider this- The most powerful earthquake to strike the United States occurred in 1811 in New Madrid, Missouri. The quake shook more than one million square miles, and was felt as far as 1,000 miles away.

At any given time, there are 1,800 thunderstorms in progress over the earth's atmosphere.

Bacteria, the tiniest free-living cells, are so small that a single drop of liquid contains as many as 50 million of them.

Bamboo (the world's tallest grass) can grow up to 90 cm in a day.

Because of the rotation of the earth, an object can be thrown farther if it is thrown west.

Construction workers hard hats were first invented and used in the building of the Hoover Dam in 1933.

Did you know you share a birthday with at least nine other million people in the world?

Each year there is one ton of cement poured for each man, woman and child in the world.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not have a full moon.

If you attempted to count the stars in a galaxy at a rate of one every second it would take around 3,000 years to count them all.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and six days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

Iron nails cannot be used in aok because the acid in the wood corrodes them.

It takes 8.5 minutes for light to get from the sun to earth.

It takes one fifteen-to-twenty-year-old tree to produce seven hundred paper grocery bags.

It takes the insect-eating Venus Flytrap plant only half a second to shut its trap on its prey.

The Venus's flytrap can eat a whole cheeseburger.

4,000 people are injured by tea pots every year.

A 60-minute cassette contains 565 feet of tape.

A coat hanger is forty-four inches long if straightened.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A good typist can strike twenty keys in a second.

A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans

A typical double mattress contains as many as two million house dust mites.

A wedding ring is generally exempt by law from inclusion among the assets in a bankruptcy estate. That means that a wedding ring can't be seized by creditors, no matter how much the bankrupt person owes.

According to a market research survey done some time ago, 68% of consumers receiving junk mail actually open the envelopes.

According to one study, 24% of lawns have some sort of lawn ornament.

All hospitals in Singapore use Pampers diapers.

Aluminum is strong enough to support 90,000 pounds per square inch.

An average of 200 million credit cards are used every day in the United States.

Approximately 30 billion cakes of Ivory Soap had been manufactured by 1990.

As of 1983, an average of three billion Christmas cards were sent annually in the United States.

At the height of inflation in Germany in the early 1920s, one U.S. dollar was equal to 4 quintillion German marks.

Avery Laser Labels are named after company founder R. Stanton Avery.

Colgate faced a big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking countries. Colgate translates into the command "go hang yourself."

Hallmark makes cards for 105 different relationships.

How valuable is the penny you found laying on the ground? If it takes just a second to pick it up a person could make $36.00 per hour just picking up pennies.

If done perfectly, any rubix cube combination can be solved in 17 turns.

If you lace your shoes from the inside to the outside, the fit will be snugger around your big toe.

In 1990, there were about 15,000 vacuum cleaner related accidents in the U.S.

In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.

In order for a deck of cards to be mixed up enough to play with properly, it should be shuffled at least seven times.

It's rumored that sucking on a copper penny will cause a breathalyzer to read 0.

Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been mixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since.

Ketchup is excellent for cleaning brass, especially tarnished or corroded brass.
Kleenex tissues were originally used as filters in gas masks.

Mosquito repellants do not repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they do not know you are there.

Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.

On average, there are 333 squares of toilet paper on a roll.

The first U.S. coin to bear the words, United States of America was a penny made in 1727. It was also inscribed with the plain-spoken motto: Mind your own business.

Things to Think About

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors.... but they all have to learn to live in the same box.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Things I've Learned From My Children

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:

Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. If you wake up and find a suddenly green fish tank with all your fish floating upside down, you will soon realize that your 3 year old has gotten up in the middle of the night and emptied all the fish food and chemicals into the tank. His way of saying you shouldn't have turned off the TV.

25. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story: One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy shit! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Did You Know

Did you know...

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.

A shrimp's heart is in its head.

In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.

It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

Horses can't vomit.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister
in the English language.

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze,
you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211
of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

Rules of Life

RULE 1
Life is not fair - get used to it.

RULE 2
The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

RULE 3
You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with car phone, until you earn both.

RULE 4
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.

RULE 5
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping they called it Opportunity.

RULE 6
If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

RULE 7
Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

RULE 8
Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

RULE 9
Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

RULE 10
Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

RULE 11
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Court Reports

Listed below are excerpts from a book called "Disorder in the Court."
Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm and keeping

a straight face while these exchanges were actually taking place. ___________________________________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year
___________________________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
___________________________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?
___________________________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
___________________________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
___________________________________________________

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
___________________________________________________

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
___________________________________________________

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
___________________________________________________

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
___________________________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
___________________________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
___________________________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
__________________________________________________

Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
________________________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
_________________________________________________

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
_____________________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
__________________________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
_________________________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_______________________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
________________________________________________

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
_________________________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
_________________________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
_________________________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.
-----------------------------------
Judge: "Well Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your
wife $775 a week".
Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
-----------------------------------------
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.



LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.

LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.

LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.

LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The",
"Truth".
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.

LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: "Morning, George!"

Reflections on Love

Reflections On The Nature Of Love

"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too."
-Greg, age 8

What Is The Proper Age To Get Married?

"Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
-Judy, age 8

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!"
-Tom, age 5

What Do Most People Do On A Date?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
-Mike, age 10

When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
-Jim, age 10

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
-Kally, age 9

The Great Debate: Is It Better To Be Single Or Married?

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!"
-Lynette, age 9

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."
-Kenny, age 7

Concerning Why Love Happens Between Two Particular People

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."
-Jan, age 9

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
-Harlen, age 8

"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too."
-Andrew, age 6

On What Falling In Love Is Like

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
-Roger, age 9

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long."
-Leo, age 7

On The Role Of Good Looks In Love

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
-Jeanne, age 8

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
-Gary, age 7

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
-Christine, age 9

Concerning Why Lovers Often Hold Hands

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them."
-Dave, age 8

"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing."
-John, age 9

Confidential Opinions About Love

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television."
-Anita, age 6

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."
-Bobby, age 8

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."
-Regina, age 10

"Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime."
-Floyd, age 9

The Personal Qualities Necessary To Be A Good Lover

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
-Ava, age 8

"Sensitivity don't hurt."
-Robbie, age 8

Some Surefire Ways To Make A Person Fall In Love With You

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."
-Del, age 6

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
-Alonzo, age 9

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."
-Bart, age 9

"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs...and don't worry if their parents are right there."
-Manuel, age 8

How Can You Tell If Two Adults Eating Dinner At A Restaurant Are In Love?

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love."
-John, age 9

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food."
-Brad, age 8

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are... on fire."
-Christine, age 9

"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up."
-Sarah, age 9

"See if the man has lipstick on his face."
-Sandra, age 7

What Most People Are Thinking When They Say "I Love You"

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day."
-Michelle, age 9

"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat."
-Dick, age 7

How Do People In Love Typically Behave?

"Mooshy... like puppy dogs... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much."
-Arnold, age 10

"All of a sudden, the people get movie fever so they can sit together in the dark."
-Sherm, age 8

How A Person Learns To Kiss

"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you."
-Doug, age 7

"It might help to watch soap operas all day."
-Carin, age 9

"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls."
-Julia, age 7

How Was Kissing Invented?

"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses."
-Gina, age 8

When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you... That's why I stopped doing it."
-Jean, age 10

"When they're rich."
-Pam, age 7

"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission."
-Roger, age 6

How To Make Love Endure

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."
-Tom, age 7

"Don't forget your wife's name... That will mess up the love."
-Roger, age 8

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash."
-Randy, age 8

"Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind... Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch."
-Natalie, age 9

Titles Of The Love Ballads You Can Sing To Your Beloved

"'How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your Nose?'"
-Arnold, age 10

"'You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.'"
-Larry, age 8

"'I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!'"
-Eddie, age 6

"'I Am in Love with You Most of the Time, but Don't Bother Me When I'm with My Friends.'"
-Bob, age 9

"'Hey, Baby, I Don't like Girls but I'm Willing to Forget You Are One!'"
-Will, age 7