Gardening

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you
would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son::

Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden.
That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old
man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son::

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
I love you,
Vinnie

Thoughts

1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

3- Half the people you know are below average.

4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name

5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8- If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9- All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy .

18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good

20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work

What to Say to A Telemarketer

1. Use a husky, dirty phone sex voice but ask normal questions about the proposed offer.

“Is it a low interest rate? mmmmm…I like low interest rates…really low…”
2. In an outrageously excited tone: “Thank god you called!!!” Explain that an online psychic told you that your future lover would randomly call disguised as an asshole.

3. Say you are hard of hearing and see how loud they will shout into the phone.

4. Allow the telemarketer to fully explain his offer. When he is finished explain that his company hired you to randomly spot check telemarketers on their performance. Tell him that he did a good job overall, but that he is a bit monotone and needs to fluctuate his tone of voice more to sound convincing. He also should pause longer between sentences, and more clearly pronounce the letter “s”. Tell him you won’t report him if he repeats his speech to you with the appropriate corrections. Repeat.

5. Be incredibly polite as they explain their offer, but make farting noises once in a while and ask whether there is something wrong with the connection.
6. In an annoyed tone cut the telemarketer off mid sentence : “Dan, stop screwing around…we have to get rid of this body fast, did you find a chainsaw or not?”

7. “Congratulations! You’re the 100th caller on the (insert local radio station) Sweet Vacation Giveaway Blast Marathon. You’ve just won a pair of tickets to Negril, Jamaica and the use of Sean Paul’s celebrity vacation house.” Take down her address and send her all of your L.L.Bean catalogs for the rest of your life...after you use them as liner for your cat’s litter box.

8. Flirt.


9. Keep repeating, “I knew you were going to say that…”

10. Stutter on a syllable of an obvious word in a sentence… see how long it takes before he completes the phrase. When he does, get upset, and say “That really hurts my fee…fee… fee… fee…feel…fee… fee… fee…” ad infinitum.

11. Pee on the phone while he’s talking.

12. Mid pitch, stop him and complement him on his wonderful voice. Explain that you are a voiceover scout and might have a breakthrough commercial job for him. Ask if he wouldn’t mind doing a quick test. Ask him to say in a deep husky voice “May cause dizziness, diarrhea, vomiting and shortness of breath. A small number of participants in a recent clinical trial experienced weight loss, irregular clotting, abnormally frequent and/or painful urination and hair loss. Results may vary”

13. Ask how much it would take to get him to stop working as a telemarketer. Start at $1000. Say you are dead serious.

14. Ask if he will be your friend if you sign up.

15. Tie obscure facts about Barbara Streisand to everything thing he says,, “2.3% interest rate? oh my…did you know Barbara was 23 when she filmed Funny Girl…”

16. Every few minutes repeat, “You’re going to have to bear with me, I have a slight short term memory loss problem…who is this again?”

17. “Oh my god, I used to have your job…does Bob still work there (repeat names until you find a match)…which building are you in?” Escalate coincidence until you both realize that you sat in the same chair. Explain that you had to quit work when your genitals mysteriously vanished.

18. Regardless of the offer tell him you’ll take 7. If he asks what you mean say he drives a hard bargain and you’ll take 9, but that’s as far as you’ll go.

19. Every half-minute ask him to hold and pretend to scream at your invalid mother. “You want to use the bathroom??? Well stop whining and get up out of the wheelchair for a change. You just sit there and think about that for a while, mother. Can’t you see I’m on the damn phone?”

20. Forgive him. Tell him you did. Over and over again, until he hangs up. Then secretly take it back.

3 Proofs Jesus Was...

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody brother
2. He had no permanent address
3. Nobody would hire him

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He lived at home until the age of 33
2. He went into his father's business
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job
3. His last request was a drink

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He worked in the building trades

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He invented a new religion

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was always in trouble with the law
3. His mother did not know who his father was

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CULTIST:
1. He formed his own secret group of 12 followers.
2. He claimed he had special connection to God.
3. On the third day after his death he went up to the spaceship.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IN ADVERTISING
1. He found himself regularly praying for mercy.
2. He liked to make big speeches at supper.
3. He was adamant that even the most whopping sins can be forgiven.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A RASTAFARIAN
1. He was from Babylon.
2. He wore dread locks.
3. His picture is on the zig-zag package.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS GAY:
1. John was his beloved
2. He called all his women friends "Mary"
3. He was truly divine in those spikes that were just to die for!

Application to Live in Arkansas

Name:__________ Nickname: Bubba____ Skeeter____ Other____

Can you sign and spell your name correctly? Sometimes____ Never____

Current Address:_____________ Number of months behind on rent:____

Neck Shade: Light Red___ Medium Red___ Dark Red___ Peeling___

Number of teeth in full grin: 1 ___ 2 ___ 3 ___ More? ___

Approximate size and weight of beer belly:______ Brand of beer:_____

Brand of chewing tobacco:______ Brand of snuff:______


Make of pick-up truck:_______ Size of tires:______ 4 Wheel Drive?___

Number of months behind in payments:_________ Does it have doors?___

Altitude of running boards: 3'___ 6'___ 12'___ 16'___

Number of empty beer cans under the seats:_____ Broken windows?____

Is truck appropiately equipped with the following?

Yes No
-- 8 track Hank Williams tapes: ___ ___
-- Pit Bull ___ ___
-- Air horns ___ ___
-- Roll bar ___ ___
-- Steer horns on hood ___ ___
-- Musical horn that plays "Dixie" ___ ___
-- "David Duke For President" bumber sticker ___ ___
-- "BOCEPHUS" bumper sticker ___ ___
-- Red Man chewing tobacco bumper sticker ___ ___
-- I love grits bumper sticker ___ ___
-- "AMERICA, LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT" bumper sticker ___ ___
-- Desert Storm bumper sticker ___ ___
-- 12 foot CB antenna ___ ___
-- Illegaly altered 1 gigawatt CB transmitter ___ ___
-- Spitoon ___ ___
-- Mud Flaps ___ ___
-- Curb Feelers ___ ___
-- Shot Guns in back window ___ ___


How many of the following items are in your front yard: (working or not)

Yes No
-- Gardens made of old tires ___ ___
-- Trucks or cars ___ ___
-- Chickens or goats ___ ___
-- Household appliances ___ ___
-- Old trailers ___ ___
-- Bath tubs ___ ___
-- TV sets ___ ___

Describe your last Elvis sighting: ______________________________________

Did you think the movie "Deliverance" was a comedy? ___________

Have you ever taken a date to a tractor pull? ____ Hog calling contest? ___


Do you own any of the following? Fertilizer hat?____ Feed Hat?____

Shoes?____ Belt buckles that weigh more than three pounds? _____ If so:

Have you worn them to Funerals___ Weddings___ Church___ Job interviews ___

Fancy restaurants like Denny's____

Do you bathe with: Soap___ Relatives___ Small animals___

How often: Weekly___ Monthly___ Twice a year___ Once a year___

Have you ever been shot at by: Ay-rabs___ Gooks___ Angry husbands___

Wives___ Fathers-in-law___ Mothers-in-law___ The Law___


Does your wife weigh more or less than: Your guitar___ Your truck___

Have you seen her in the past: Two weeks___ Two months___ Two years

Have you ever seen her when she wasn't: Pregnant___ Barefoot___ Mad___

Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?_________

Can you count to 11 with your shoes on?_____ 21 with your pants on?_____

If you have had someone read all the above questions to you and you have
completely understood them then place you "X" on the line below.

>->->->->________________

_________________________
Witness signature

Fun Things To Do At Church

50 Fun Things For Non-Christians To Do In Church

1.Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class and say: "If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell."
2.A week beforehand, find a member of ACT-UP. Tell him the scheduled sermon is entitled "Why God Sent AIDS to Punish Homosexuals".
3.Put stray dogs in coat closets.
4.Un-tune the piano.
5.Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".
6.Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.
7.Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?"
8.Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts.
9.Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or crucified?"
10.Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.
11.Start a wave.
12.Do cool things with the lighting.
13.When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G. Rection" and "Oliver Klozoff".
14.Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.
15.When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh, Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?"
16.Make up your own words to the songs.
17.Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: "Oh shit. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly.
18.Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.
19.If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THAT GODDAMN THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!"
20.Dress all in black, or in camo.
21.Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in your ear as jewelry. If you are male, wear two. Change sets for the evening service.
22.If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead.
23.At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an image of Jesus.
24.Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks.
25.Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in.
26.Inflate balloons, then send them off.
27.Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons.
28.Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page.
29.Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.
30.Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.
31.During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago."
32.Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly light them.
33.Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen.
34.Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is.
35.When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.
36.Turn to your neighbor, whisper: "This do in remembrance of me," and lick them.
37.Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!"
38.Blow bubbles.
39.Fake a possession.
40.Distribute condoms.
41.Speak in tongues.
42.Ask where the nearest ashtray is.
43.Drool in the collection plate.
44.Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.
45.After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act embarrassed.
46.Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry".
47.At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch embedded inside.
48.Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery. Send the bill to the pastor.
49.Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"
50.Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address of the church next Saturday at midnight.

50 Fun Things For a Professor To Do on the First Day

1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.

2. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.

3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"

4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.

5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"

6. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".

7. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"

8. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk".

9. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".

10. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.

11. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.

12. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.

13. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.

14. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.

15. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's "Sex Machine."

16. Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.

17. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

18. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.

19. Address students as "worm".

20. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.

21. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.

22. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.

23. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.

24. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.

25. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.

26. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.

27. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.

28. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.

29. Growl constantly and address students as "matey".

30. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove".

31. Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.

32. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.

33. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"

34. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".

35. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.

36. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.

37. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.

38. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.

39. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

40. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes.

41. Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk".

42. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

43. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.

44. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.

45. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.

46. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.

47. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.

48. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.

49. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field".

50. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"