1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
3. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
4. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
5. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
6. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
7. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
8. Things are more like they are today than they have ever been before.
9. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
10. Everything should be made as simple as possible but no simpler.
11. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
12. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
13. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
14. If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
15. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
16. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
17. One-seventh of your life is spent on Mondays.
18. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
19. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Sunday, November 17, 2013
College
WHY YOUR PARENTS WANTED YOU TO GO TO COLLEGE
If you think your parent(s) sent you to college because they care about you - think again...
Your parent(s) sent you to college for only one reason.
To get you out of the house.
Face facts, at this point in your parents' life they see you as an obnoxious, arrogant, lying, drunk, dope fiend! A reminder to them that they should have used birth control. Do you think Mom and Dad, or Mom and her new 'boyfriend' Ramon want you lying around the house (a) telling them that they are lousy parent(s), (b) eating all the food in the refrigerator and (c) whining that you need money so you can buy Playstation 3!? Of course not. In their opinion, even though college costs a fortune and will turn you into a drug addicted, Karl Marx spouting robot, it's worth every penny just to be rid of you for a few months!
THE THIRTEENTH GRADE
Saying college is the thirteenth grade is an insult to the thirteenth grade. College is actually more like re-taking ninth grade and paying attention. Be honest (at least with yourself), college nowadays is just an excuse to do nothing for four years (which we are completely for). It has become a motley assortment of make-believe majors and self-righteous idiocy. It is a mental hospital staffed by insane, enraged, wimpy, loser, ex-hippie, baby boomers who could never face the real world themselves. Most of these 'Professors' were college students who in 1972, with the ending of the Vietnam War (and the protesting they so loved), found they had to find some way to make a living without doing anything. These baby boomers couldn't actually stand up to the rigors of 'real' college (which used to be hard - and we mean 'really, really' hard - which of course is why so few people used to get in). Nor were they willing to get a real job. So what they did is protest for more 'socially relevant' courses (i.e. lame-ass courses) so that they could get a degree while stoned (again, we aren't actually against this). Eventually they found a way to get a PhD/Masters in these newly created, obscure, pointless fields so they could then teach you their stupid 'discipline' and get tenured (salaried for life for doing nothing). Which leads us to today where you now pay an institution close to $20,000.00 (repeat: twenty thousand dollars!) a year to teach you something that you could learn from a $10.00 book, stoned, and/or drunk, in your spare time.
COLLEGES - Which ones are better?
Here is a simple test. Is your school an Ivy League school?
If you said 'yes,' you are in luck! You might actually parley this into money! Most people will be impressed that you were able to get into a good school and might be stupid enough to hire you. Unless, that is, you got a BFA, in which case your answer should now be changed to a 'no'.
If your answer was "no": Forget it, you are in the realm of the generic "any school." No one is impressed at all - unless maybe the person hiring you also went to that school. In which case it might help - but then (if they went there) they will know what a sad, pathetic school it is, and will probably not hire you anyway!
A COLLEGE DEGREE TRANSLATOR
An accurate breakdown of what your degree really means.
B.S. (Bachelor of Science) - Actually, this is a real degree, and guarantees some sort of work, somewhere. Note: this is true so long as you didn't study something like environmental engineering or agriculture...
RESUMÉ VALUE: An actual degree! Will open doors. You are actually not a loser!
B.A. (Bachelor of Arts) - You have insignificant knowledge and vague general suppositions about obscure authors with half-baked ideas, conjured up by losers. This is the ultimate nebulous, non-degree. It literally means that you know nothing.
RESUMÉ VALUE: Just slightly better than getting a B.A. from a community college.
B.F.A. (Bachelor of Fine Arts) - You are more than likely permanently damaged as a human being. A BFA actually guarantees that you cannot ever get a high paying job. Ever.
RESUMÉ VALUE: It would probably be better not mention you got this degree, not if you want a job, that is.
WHY GO TO COLLEGE
This is a valid point. What is the real reason? To learn? No. If you are motivated to learn you do not need college for this. There are more than enough resources, libraries, the Internet, etc. Learning is about you wanting to know something. This is not a talent that can be taught. You either have the desire to learn - or you don't. There are many successful people who never went to college. In fact most highly successful people didn't go there. So don't fool yourself. Besides, within a few months of graduating you will have forgotten what little you crammed into your head all those nights you took crystal-meth and stayed up to study for finals.
THE ACTUAL REASON TO GO TO COLLEGE
When you boil it down the only point of going to college are a) to party, and b) to get away from parent(s).
If you are honest and realize why you went to college, good for you. Though it is a huge waste of money, it really doesn't matter. As long as you aren't paying for it... who the f*ck cares!
PROFESSORS
"Those who can do. Those who can't... teach!"
That is why your professors are on your campus teaching, because they failed the real test, which is being successful in the real world. Because they have lived in or around colleges for most of their lives they have built up vast stores of theoretical knowledge of how the real world works. The ultimate truth is that theoretical knowledge is just that - theoretical - and on the whole, almost completely incorrect.
To learn from people like this is dangerous. This is really not a joke. It literally takes years of your life (and we speak from experience) to get their stupid, disturbing ideas out of your head so that you can even begin to succeed at life. Which means you are virtually guaranteed to be screwed until the age of thirty-five.
Let us make an additional comment about teachers. For the past few years the "media" has started b*tching about how 'undervalued' teachers are. This is utter bullsh*t that comes from the publicity arm of the teachers' unions. In our opinion teachers are so overpaid for what they do it is criminal.
WHAT YOU ACTUALLY LEARN IN COLLEGE
(or BRAINWASHING 101)
When you are taught by failures, who have effectively failed in the world, what are they likely to teach you? Certainly not what works. What they teach you is what they know, and what they know is how to do it all wrong. Therefore you are learning what they know all too well - which is how to fail.
Never doubt the ignorance of your Professor. This is a person who will stop at nothing to infect you with all the wrong attitudes and ideas. Notice also that they can't stand successful people out in the real world. They call those people who succeed evil, or ignorant (a popular tool in more academic arguments), or bourgeois or imperialistic, etc. etc. ad infinitum, when it is they themselves who are truly the dull-witted ones.
This having been said - be careful! Disagreeing with these people can be very dangerous. They are incredibly vindictive (like the losers they are) and will reduce your grades or even get you kicked out of school for not agreeing with them. They will also do other childish things such as ridicule you in front of class, shun you, and tell other professors that you have a bad attitude, which will make it hard for you to pass any other courses. Just know that they are miserably unaware of how things truly work. Look at them in front of you and truly know them for the failures that they are. Hopefully they will not damage you and you can at least get on with your life! If you want that degree for you resumé, listen enough to pass the course, don't believe any of it, and keep your mouth shut!
FINAL THOUGHTS
Here's the low-down: stay in school simply for your resumé. Or don't go at all! Just lie and say you went to college somewhere in Montana (note: most companies don't check your college information anyway, mainly because what you learned was useless to your job anyway - also, they usually don't have the time to do it). NOTE: do not lie if you are getting a high paying or security job, or a job with the military.
Anyway, have a good time, try not to die, take some useful courses (accounting, finance, basic law) and don't become brainwashed. If you listen to this advice you will have a good life, and be miles ahead of almost every other college educated retard out there.
WHAT YOU COULD HAVE DONE WITH THE MONEY
20,000/year x 4 years = 80,000. If you spent some time doing some real research and put your college money in one semi-decent stock you could expect a 30% compounded return over 10 years. This could end up as a final total of $1,102,867.93 by the time you were 28 years old! (Note: if this amount of money had been invested in Microsoft back in 1987 you would have made $42 Million dollars by 1997.) Instead you will give the money to a bunch of feeble lunatics who will actually brainwash you with all the ideas that lead to failure so that you end up, out of desperation, working at a job you hate and paying off student loans until you are 35 years old.###
This article originally appeared on blurofinsanity.com.
If you think your parent(s) sent you to college because they care about you - think again...
Your parent(s) sent you to college for only one reason.
To get you out of the house.
Face facts, at this point in your parents' life they see you as an obnoxious, arrogant, lying, drunk, dope fiend! A reminder to them that they should have used birth control. Do you think Mom and Dad, or Mom and her new 'boyfriend' Ramon want you lying around the house (a) telling them that they are lousy parent(s), (b) eating all the food in the refrigerator and (c) whining that you need money so you can buy Playstation 3!? Of course not. In their opinion, even though college costs a fortune and will turn you into a drug addicted, Karl Marx spouting robot, it's worth every penny just to be rid of you for a few months!
THE THIRTEENTH GRADE
Saying college is the thirteenth grade is an insult to the thirteenth grade. College is actually more like re-taking ninth grade and paying attention. Be honest (at least with yourself), college nowadays is just an excuse to do nothing for four years (which we are completely for). It has become a motley assortment of make-believe majors and self-righteous idiocy. It is a mental hospital staffed by insane, enraged, wimpy, loser, ex-hippie, baby boomers who could never face the real world themselves. Most of these 'Professors' were college students who in 1972, with the ending of the Vietnam War (and the protesting they so loved), found they had to find some way to make a living without doing anything. These baby boomers couldn't actually stand up to the rigors of 'real' college (which used to be hard - and we mean 'really, really' hard - which of course is why so few people used to get in). Nor were they willing to get a real job. So what they did is protest for more 'socially relevant' courses (i.e. lame-ass courses) so that they could get a degree while stoned (again, we aren't actually against this). Eventually they found a way to get a PhD/Masters in these newly created, obscure, pointless fields so they could then teach you their stupid 'discipline' and get tenured (salaried for life for doing nothing). Which leads us to today where you now pay an institution close to $20,000.00 (repeat: twenty thousand dollars!) a year to teach you something that you could learn from a $10.00 book, stoned, and/or drunk, in your spare time.
COLLEGES - Which ones are better?
Here is a simple test. Is your school an Ivy League school?
If you said 'yes,' you are in luck! You might actually parley this into money! Most people will be impressed that you were able to get into a good school and might be stupid enough to hire you. Unless, that is, you got a BFA, in which case your answer should now be changed to a 'no'.
If your answer was "no": Forget it, you are in the realm of the generic "any school." No one is impressed at all - unless maybe the person hiring you also went to that school. In which case it might help - but then (if they went there) they will know what a sad, pathetic school it is, and will probably not hire you anyway!
A COLLEGE DEGREE TRANSLATOR
An accurate breakdown of what your degree really means.
B.S. (Bachelor of Science) - Actually, this is a real degree, and guarantees some sort of work, somewhere. Note: this is true so long as you didn't study something like environmental engineering or agriculture...
RESUMÉ VALUE: An actual degree! Will open doors. You are actually not a loser!
B.A. (Bachelor of Arts) - You have insignificant knowledge and vague general suppositions about obscure authors with half-baked ideas, conjured up by losers. This is the ultimate nebulous, non-degree. It literally means that you know nothing.
RESUMÉ VALUE: Just slightly better than getting a B.A. from a community college.
B.F.A. (Bachelor of Fine Arts) - You are more than likely permanently damaged as a human being. A BFA actually guarantees that you cannot ever get a high paying job. Ever.
RESUMÉ VALUE: It would probably be better not mention you got this degree, not if you want a job, that is.
WHY GO TO COLLEGE
This is a valid point. What is the real reason? To learn? No. If you are motivated to learn you do not need college for this. There are more than enough resources, libraries, the Internet, etc. Learning is about you wanting to know something. This is not a talent that can be taught. You either have the desire to learn - or you don't. There are many successful people who never went to college. In fact most highly successful people didn't go there. So don't fool yourself. Besides, within a few months of graduating you will have forgotten what little you crammed into your head all those nights you took crystal-meth and stayed up to study for finals.
THE ACTUAL REASON TO GO TO COLLEGE
When you boil it down the only point of going to college are a) to party, and b) to get away from parent(s).
If you are honest and realize why you went to college, good for you. Though it is a huge waste of money, it really doesn't matter. As long as you aren't paying for it... who the f*ck cares!
PROFESSORS
"Those who can do. Those who can't... teach!"
That is why your professors are on your campus teaching, because they failed the real test, which is being successful in the real world. Because they have lived in or around colleges for most of their lives they have built up vast stores of theoretical knowledge of how the real world works. The ultimate truth is that theoretical knowledge is just that - theoretical - and on the whole, almost completely incorrect.
To learn from people like this is dangerous. This is really not a joke. It literally takes years of your life (and we speak from experience) to get their stupid, disturbing ideas out of your head so that you can even begin to succeed at life. Which means you are virtually guaranteed to be screwed until the age of thirty-five.
Let us make an additional comment about teachers. For the past few years the "media" has started b*tching about how 'undervalued' teachers are. This is utter bullsh*t that comes from the publicity arm of the teachers' unions. In our opinion teachers are so overpaid for what they do it is criminal.
WHAT YOU ACTUALLY LEARN IN COLLEGE
(or BRAINWASHING 101)
When you are taught by failures, who have effectively failed in the world, what are they likely to teach you? Certainly not what works. What they teach you is what they know, and what they know is how to do it all wrong. Therefore you are learning what they know all too well - which is how to fail.
Never doubt the ignorance of your Professor. This is a person who will stop at nothing to infect you with all the wrong attitudes and ideas. Notice also that they can't stand successful people out in the real world. They call those people who succeed evil, or ignorant (a popular tool in more academic arguments), or bourgeois or imperialistic, etc. etc. ad infinitum, when it is they themselves who are truly the dull-witted ones.
This having been said - be careful! Disagreeing with these people can be very dangerous. They are incredibly vindictive (like the losers they are) and will reduce your grades or even get you kicked out of school for not agreeing with them. They will also do other childish things such as ridicule you in front of class, shun you, and tell other professors that you have a bad attitude, which will make it hard for you to pass any other courses. Just know that they are miserably unaware of how things truly work. Look at them in front of you and truly know them for the failures that they are. Hopefully they will not damage you and you can at least get on with your life! If you want that degree for you resumé, listen enough to pass the course, don't believe any of it, and keep your mouth shut!
FINAL THOUGHTS
Here's the low-down: stay in school simply for your resumé. Or don't go at all! Just lie and say you went to college somewhere in Montana (note: most companies don't check your college information anyway, mainly because what you learned was useless to your job anyway - also, they usually don't have the time to do it). NOTE: do not lie if you are getting a high paying or security job, or a job with the military.
Anyway, have a good time, try not to die, take some useful courses (accounting, finance, basic law) and don't become brainwashed. If you listen to this advice you will have a good life, and be miles ahead of almost every other college educated retard out there.
WHAT YOU COULD HAVE DONE WITH THE MONEY
20,000/year x 4 years = 80,000. If you spent some time doing some real research and put your college money in one semi-decent stock you could expect a 30% compounded return over 10 years. This could end up as a final total of $1,102,867.93 by the time you were 28 years old! (Note: if this amount of money had been invested in Microsoft back in 1987 you would have made $42 Million dollars by 1997.) Instead you will give the money to a bunch of feeble lunatics who will actually brainwash you with all the ideas that lead to failure so that you end up, out of desperation, working at a job you hate and paying off student loans until you are 35 years old.###
This article originally appeared on blurofinsanity.com.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
The English Language
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. And while no one knows what is in a hotdog, you can be pretty sure it isn't canine.
English muffins were not invented in England nor French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, two meese? Is cheese the plural of choose? One mouse, 2 mice. One louse, 2 lice. One house, 2 hice?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
How can the weather be hot as heck one day and cold as heck another? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on. You get in and out of a car, yet you get on and off a bus. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up an essay, I end it?
English is a silly language ... it doesn't know if it is coming or going !!!
English muffins were not invented in England nor French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, two meese? Is cheese the plural of choose? One mouse, 2 mice. One louse, 2 lice. One house, 2 hice?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
How can the weather be hot as heck one day and cold as heck another? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on. You get in and out of a car, yet you get on and off a bus. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up an essay, I end it?
English is a silly language ... it doesn't know if it is coming or going !!!
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients in dynamite.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Two thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
The longest one syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. (DON'T try this at home)!
The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
There are 336 dimples on a regular golf ball.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients in dynamite.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Two thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
The longest one syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. (DON'T try this at home)!
The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
There are 336 dimples on a regular golf ball.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, ‘Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.’
Forrest responds, ‘It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But, nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain’t too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.’
St. Peter continued, ‘Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God’s first name?’
Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, ‘Now that you have had a chance to think
the questions over, tell me your answers’
Forrest replied, ‘Well, the first one — which two days in the week begins with the letter ‘T’?
Shucks, that one is easy.
That would be Today and Tomorrow.’
The Saint’s eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, ‘Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.’
‘How about the next one?’ asked St. Peter
‘How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,’ replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.’
Astounded, St. Peter said, ‘Twelve? Twelve?
Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?’
Forrest replied, ‘Shucks, there’s got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd … ‘
‘Hold it,’ interrupts St. Peter. ‘I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind … but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God’s first name’?
‘Sure,’ Forrest replied, ‘it’s Andy.’
‘Andy?’ exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
‘Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?’
‘Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,’
Forrest replied.
‘I learnt it from the song,
‘ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN..’ ‘
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said:
‘Run Forrest, run!’
St. Peter said, ‘Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.’
Forrest responds, ‘It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But, nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain’t too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.’
St. Peter continued, ‘Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God’s first name?’
Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, ‘Now that you have had a chance to think
the questions over, tell me your answers’
Forrest replied, ‘Well, the first one — which two days in the week begins with the letter ‘T’?
Shucks, that one is easy.
That would be Today and Tomorrow.’
The Saint’s eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, ‘Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.’
‘How about the next one?’ asked St. Peter
‘How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,’ replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.’
Astounded, St. Peter said, ‘Twelve? Twelve?
Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?’
Forrest replied, ‘Shucks, there’s got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd … ‘
‘Hold it,’ interrupts St. Peter. ‘I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind … but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God’s first name’?
‘Sure,’ Forrest replied, ‘it’s Andy.’
‘Andy?’ exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
‘Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?’
‘Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,’
Forrest replied.
‘I learnt it from the song,
‘ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN..’ ‘
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said:
‘Run Forrest, run!’
Sunday, October 20, 2013
It Just Doesn’t Pay To Piss Off A Woman
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background
music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow end of the all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/14th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and, within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home……..
including the curtain rods.
I love a happy ending, don’t you?
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background
music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow end of the all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/14th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and, within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home……..
including the curtain rods.
I love a happy ending, don’t you?
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Lawn Mower
A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. ‘How much do you want for the mower?’ asked the preacher.
‘I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,’ said the little
boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, Will you take my bike in trade for it?’
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, ‘Mister, you’ve got yourself a deal.’
The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.
The preacher called the little boy over and said, ‘I can’t get this mower to start.’
The little boy said, ‘That’s because you have to cuss at it to get it started.’
The preacher said, ‘I can’t cuss. It’s been so long since I became a Christian that I don’t even remember how to cuss.’
The little boy looked at him happily and said,
‘You just keep pulling on that rope. It’ll come back to ya.
‘I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,’ said the little
boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, Will you take my bike in trade for it?’
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, ‘Mister, you’ve got yourself a deal.’
The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.
The preacher called the little boy over and said, ‘I can’t get this mower to start.’
The little boy said, ‘That’s because you have to cuss at it to get it started.’
The preacher said, ‘I can’t cuss. It’s been so long since I became a Christian that I don’t even remember how to cuss.’
The little boy looked at him happily and said,
‘You just keep pulling on that rope. It’ll come back to ya.
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