Deep Thoughts

1) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and Keep away from children"
--Author Unknown

2) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey

3) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house,"
--Rod Stewart

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy

5) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased

6) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry

7) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger

8) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." --Paula Poundstone

9) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh' ." --Conan O'Brien

10) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery

11) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni

12) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson

13) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

14) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but
they turned sixty, and that's the law." --Jerry
Seinfeld

15) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

16) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde

17) "Suppose you were an idiot . . . And suppose you were a member of Congress . . . . But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain

18) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan!"
--A. Whitney Brown

19) "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams

20) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne

21) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal

22) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry

School Note Excuses

The following is a collection of "actual excuse notes from parents (including spelling)" from the Office of Educational Assessment at the University of Washington.

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.


Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.


Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and
fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Eight Thigs God Won't Ask on Judgement Day

1. God won't ask what kind of car you drove; He'll ask how many
people you drove who didn't have transportation.

2. God won't ask the square footage of your house, He'll ask how
many people you welcomed into your home.

3. God won't ask about the clothes you had in your closet, He'll
ask how many you helped to clothe.

4. God won't ask what your highest salary was; He'll ask if you
compromised your character to obtain it, and performed your job to the
best of your ability.

5. God won't ask how many friends you had; He'll ask how many
people to whom you were a friend.


6. God won't ask in what neighborhood you lived, He'll ask how
you treated your neighbors.

7. God won't ask about the color of your skin, He'll ask about
the content of your character.

8. God won't ask why it took you so long to seek Salvation;
He'll lovingly take you to your mansion in heaven, and not to the gates of
Hell.

Life Lessons

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.


Today is the last day of some of your life.


Death is a once in a lifetime experience.


What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Things Dogs Should Remember

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

Kitty box crunchies are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration