WHAT IS A CAT ?
1) Cats do what they want
2) They rarely listen to you
3) They're totally unpredictable
4) They whine when they are not happy
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim
8) They're moody
9) They leave hair everywhere
10) They drive you nuts and cost you money
CONCLUSION: They're tiny little women in fur coats.
WHAT IS A DOG?
1) Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house
2) They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4) They growl when they are not happy
5) When you want to play, they want to play
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play
7) They are great at begging
8) They will love you forever if you rub their tummies
9) They can never have enough toys and they leave them everywhere
10 ) They do disgusting things with their mouths and then they try to give you a kiss
CONCLUSION: They're tiny little men in fur coats.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Capitalism and Cows
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM -- You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
FRENCH CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon(tm) and market them world-wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION -- You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION -- You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION -- You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A HINDU CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You worship them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION -- You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
ENRON CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
FRENCH CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon(tm) and market them world-wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION -- You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION -- You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION -- You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A HINDU CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You worship them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION -- You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
ENRON CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Murphy's Military Laws.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
Friendly fire ain't.
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
Friendly fire ain't.
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Murphy's Law
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Every solution breeds new problems.
If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget.
Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
Trust everybody ... then cut the cards.
Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
Everything takes longer than you think.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Every solution breeds new problems.
If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget.
Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
Trust everybody ... then cut the cards.
Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
Everything takes longer than you think.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
How To Write A College Paper
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lit place in front of your computer.
2. Log onto MSN and ICQ (be sure to go on away!). Check your email.
3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some chocolate to help you concentrate.
5. Check your email.
6. Call up a friend and ask if he/she wants to go to grab a coffee. Just to get settled down and ready to work.
7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place.
8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
9. Check your email.
10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
12. Grab some mp3z off of kazaa.
13. Check your email. ANY OF THIS SOUND FAMILIAR YET?!
14. MSN chat with one of your friends about the future. (ie summer plans).
15. Check your email.
16. Listen to your new mp3z and download some more.
17. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory emarks about your prof, the
course, the college, the world at large.
18. Walk to the store and buy a pack of gum. You've probably run out.
19. While you've got the gum you may as well buy a magazine and read it.
20. Check your email.
21. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV.
22. Play some solitare (or age of legends!).
23. Check out bored.com.
24. Wash your hands.
25. Call up a friend to see how much they have done, probably haven't started either.
26. Look through your housemate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
27. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
28. Check to see if bored.com has been updated yet.
29. Check your email and listen to your new mp3z.
30. You should be rebooting by now, assuming that windows is crashing on schedule.
31. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.
32. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
33. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
34. Punch the wall and break something.
35. Check your email.
36. Mumble obscenities.
37. 5am - start hacking on the paper without stopping. 6am -paper is finished.
38. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that stupid paper.
39. Go to class, hand in paper, and leave right away so you can take a nap.
2. Log onto MSN and ICQ (be sure to go on away!). Check your email.
3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some chocolate to help you concentrate.
5. Check your email.
6. Call up a friend and ask if he/she wants to go to grab a coffee. Just to get settled down and ready to work.
7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place.
8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
9. Check your email.
10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
12. Grab some mp3z off of kazaa.
13. Check your email. ANY OF THIS SOUND FAMILIAR YET?!
14. MSN chat with one of your friends about the future. (ie summer plans).
15. Check your email.
16. Listen to your new mp3z and download some more.
17. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory emarks about your prof, the
course, the college, the world at large.
18. Walk to the store and buy a pack of gum. You've probably run out.
19. While you've got the gum you may as well buy a magazine and read it.
20. Check your email.
21. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV.
22. Play some solitare (or age of legends!).
23. Check out bored.com.
24. Wash your hands.
25. Call up a friend to see how much they have done, probably haven't started either.
26. Look through your housemate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
27. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
28. Check to see if bored.com has been updated yet.
29. Check your email and listen to your new mp3z.
30. You should be rebooting by now, assuming that windows is crashing on schedule.
31. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.
32. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
33. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
34. Punch the wall and break something.
35. Check your email.
36. Mumble obscenities.
37. 5am - start hacking on the paper without stopping. 6am -paper is finished.
38. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that stupid paper.
39. Go to class, hand in paper, and leave right away so you can take a nap.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Gone Fishing
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The young man replied without hesitating, "One."
The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid said, "$101,237.64."
The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"
The kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."
Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"
"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The young man replied without hesitating, "One."
The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid said, "$101,237.64."
The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"
The kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."
Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"
"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
Sunday, November 18, 2012
And The Comedian Says....
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
--Paula Poundstone
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three."
--Elayne Boosler
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
--John Mendoza
"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
--Steven Wright
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should beseverance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the
pumpkin."
--Winston Spear
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives."
--Sue Murphy
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One
day, he took me aside and left me there."
--Ron Richards
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else."
--Lily Tomlin
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four
people make up 75 percent of the population."
--David Letterman
"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still
far away."
--Billiam Coronell
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
--Lily Tomlin
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me,
the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe
clippers right here.'"
--Jerry Seinfeld
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed
it."
--Steven Wright
"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them
above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' "
--Bruce Baum
"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't
know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You
know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know.
'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little
bit?"
--Garry Shandling
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't
cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
--Paula Poundstone
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three."
--Elayne Boosler
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
--John Mendoza
"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
--Steven Wright
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should beseverance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the
pumpkin."
--Winston Spear
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives."
--Sue Murphy
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One
day, he took me aside and left me there."
--Ron Richards
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else."
--Lily Tomlin
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four
people make up 75 percent of the population."
--David Letterman
"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still
far away."
--Billiam Coronell
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
--Lily Tomlin
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me,
the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe
clippers right here.'"
--Jerry Seinfeld
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed
it."
--Steven Wright
"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them
above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' "
--Bruce Baum
"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't
know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You
know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know.
'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little
bit?"
--Garry Shandling
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't
cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Fun Things To Do in an Elevator
When you get off the elevator, whisper to the others who stayed on, "I'd get off the elevator NOW if I were you."
When the other people in the elevator leave, yell "SHARON!"
Hum the "Mission Impossible" theme, speak into your lapel and say "Right, Jim".
When there is only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
Sit with a desk, pencil cup and a telephone in the elevator. When someone walks in, ask if they have an appointment. (thanks to Shoaib)
Push a button, pretend it gave you a shock. Smile and go back for more.
Ask the others in the elevator which floor they're going to, but push the wrong buttons.
Call the Psychic Hotline and ask them if they know which floor you're on.
Hold the doors open as if you're waiting for a friend, but then let it close. Say to nobody, "Hey, Wally, how's it been?"
Drop a pen, wait for someone to pick it up and then yell, "That's mine!"
Put a cardboard box in the corner; when someone gets on ask them if they can hear ticking.
When the doors close, announce, "Don't worry, they'll open again soon."
Enforce a group hug.
Open your purse slightly and say, "Do you have enough air in there?"
Tell one of the other passengers that you're sorry, but you're going to have to let him go.
Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral".
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now... motion sickness!"
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
Sing along with the Muzak.
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Leave a box between the doors.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
Start a sing-along.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space.
Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it. quick!" then whistle innocently.
When the other people in the elevator leave, yell "SHARON!"
Hum the "Mission Impossible" theme, speak into your lapel and say "Right, Jim".
When there is only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
Sit with a desk, pencil cup and a telephone in the elevator. When someone walks in, ask if they have an appointment. (thanks to Shoaib)
Push a button, pretend it gave you a shock. Smile and go back for more.
Ask the others in the elevator which floor they're going to, but push the wrong buttons.
Call the Psychic Hotline and ask them if they know which floor you're on.
Hold the doors open as if you're waiting for a friend, but then let it close. Say to nobody, "Hey, Wally, how's it been?"
Drop a pen, wait for someone to pick it up and then yell, "That's mine!"
Put a cardboard box in the corner; when someone gets on ask them if they can hear ticking.
When the doors close, announce, "Don't worry, they'll open again soon."
Enforce a group hug.
Open your purse slightly and say, "Do you have enough air in there?"
Tell one of the other passengers that you're sorry, but you're going to have to let him go.
Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral".
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now... motion sickness!"
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
Sing along with the Muzak.
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Leave a box between the doors.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
Start a sing-along.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space.
Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it. quick!" then whistle innocently.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Things You Learn In College
But you don't learn these things in class
Quarters are like gold.
Flip-flops become as important as soap, and shampoo.
Asleep by 2:30 AM is an early night.
New additions to the food groups: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerry's, Ho-Hos and Oreos.
Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries.
Duct tape heals all wounds.
Showers become less important.
Sleep becomes more important.
10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class.
Going to the mailbox was never an ego-booster (or ego-breaker) before.
You begin to nap again.
The book your professor wrote is always required for his class.
E-mail becomes your second language.
Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.
Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they're a Godsend.
You never realized so many people are smarter than you.
You never realized so many people are dumber than you.
Professors are like celebrities: you see them, but they never see you.
Bum rides, money, notes and snacks as much as you can get them.
Don't burn bridges, especially if he's good in Biology.
Plain pasta never constituted a complete meal before.
The health service attendants are there because they couldn't make it in a real hospital, never ever forget that.
Forget putting the toilet seat down, you just pray that they flush.
Frisbee becomes a contact sport.
Care packages rank up there with birthdays.
College girls are the same as high school girls - just with more freedom, and no curfew.
Pop a vitamin and breakfast is covered.
Learn to love your roommate, especially when he leaves you the room.
You always thought that worshipping the porcelain god was just an expression, but it's not.
Printers only break down when you desperately need them.
Even though the beds are long, they are also extra narrow.
Things that were a huge deal in high school are now commonplace.
You never thought you would share so much about yourself with people you have known for such a short time.
Computer games go in and out faster than the latest fashions.
Any game can be made into a drinking game.
Disney movies are more than just classics.
Find one thing you like in the dining hall and go with it.
You will hear more stupid nicknames than you ever thought possible.
Phone calls almost never happen and when they do, you just don't get the messages.
Cereal makes a meal any time of day.
Keep your high school term papers; nowadays, everything is recycled.
ATMs are the devil's advocate.
Beware the boy in the Care Bear toga.
You almost forget how to drive.
You'll drink anything if it's free.
People still cheat; it's just more technologically advanced.
You get really good with excuses for skipping class.
The girl you're going to marry may live right next door, so keep your stereo down.
Ordering food at 1 AM is a common occurrence.
You never realized how cool you can be.
TV becomes a bigger time sucker than ever before.
You realize how great your hell summer job was once you have to study.
Keys have never been so important, yet you seem to lose them more than ever before.
You meet the type of people you only thought existed in the movies.
You learn to sleep with light, noise, extreme temperatures, and roommates snoring.
You don't have to cover your textbooks anymore.
You become a juggler with the balance between school, friends, girls, activities, work, parties.
You live for chicken finger day at the cafeteria.
People that were geeks in high school seem okay now.
You begin to realize that college is about the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes.
You get good at rationalizing on whether to do homework or not.
Procrastination becomes an art.
Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires.
The only reason you ever dress up is when everything else is dirty.
With all the wealth of knowledge around you, you start to feel like you're on intellectual welfare.
Going to the mini-mart is a major treat.
Amount of alcohol consumed is inversely proportional to grade point average.
You have two kinds of shoes: everyday shoes and party shoes.
Classes: the later the better.
The cute girls actually talk to you now.
Care packages make it all worthwhile.
The longer you're there, the less you talk about home.
Always wear your safety goggles. They're not kidding.
You don't learn last names.
Card games never lasted for hours before.
Vacuuming happens every semester, if you get around to it.
Boys will dance in college.
People who never talked to you in high school are now your best friends when you come home.
You are NEVER alone.
It's amazing how late you can stay up doing absolutely nothing, yet falling asleep in class or in the library takes an average of two seconds.
You spend a ridiculous amount of time pondering the mystery of whether the Lucky Charms in the cafeteria are the real thing.
People magazine is your deep philosophical reading material.
You begin to subdivide your room into sections such as den, library, etc. to make it sound like a house.
All you have to do to make new friends is have mom send some cookies.
You never realized how quiet your house was.
Dishes aren't dirty enough to wash until they have bugs and / or mold in them.
You get along so much better with your family now that you never see any of them.
Your life will never be the same again.
Quarters are like gold.
Flip-flops become as important as soap, and shampoo.
Asleep by 2:30 AM is an early night.
New additions to the food groups: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerry's, Ho-Hos and Oreos.
Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries.
Duct tape heals all wounds.
Showers become less important.
Sleep becomes more important.
10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class.
Going to the mailbox was never an ego-booster (or ego-breaker) before.
You begin to nap again.
The book your professor wrote is always required for his class.
E-mail becomes your second language.
Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.
Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they're a Godsend.
You never realized so many people are smarter than you.
You never realized so many people are dumber than you.
Professors are like celebrities: you see them, but they never see you.
Bum rides, money, notes and snacks as much as you can get them.
Don't burn bridges, especially if he's good in Biology.
Plain pasta never constituted a complete meal before.
The health service attendants are there because they couldn't make it in a real hospital, never ever forget that.
Forget putting the toilet seat down, you just pray that they flush.
Frisbee becomes a contact sport.
Care packages rank up there with birthdays.
College girls are the same as high school girls - just with more freedom, and no curfew.
Pop a vitamin and breakfast is covered.
Learn to love your roommate, especially when he leaves you the room.
You always thought that worshipping the porcelain god was just an expression, but it's not.
Printers only break down when you desperately need them.
Even though the beds are long, they are also extra narrow.
Things that were a huge deal in high school are now commonplace.
You never thought you would share so much about yourself with people you have known for such a short time.
Computer games go in and out faster than the latest fashions.
Any game can be made into a drinking game.
Disney movies are more than just classics.
Find one thing you like in the dining hall and go with it.
You will hear more stupid nicknames than you ever thought possible.
Phone calls almost never happen and when they do, you just don't get the messages.
Cereal makes a meal any time of day.
Keep your high school term papers; nowadays, everything is recycled.
ATMs are the devil's advocate.
Beware the boy in the Care Bear toga.
You almost forget how to drive.
You'll drink anything if it's free.
People still cheat; it's just more technologically advanced.
You get really good with excuses for skipping class.
The girl you're going to marry may live right next door, so keep your stereo down.
Ordering food at 1 AM is a common occurrence.
You never realized how cool you can be.
TV becomes a bigger time sucker than ever before.
You realize how great your hell summer job was once you have to study.
Keys have never been so important, yet you seem to lose them more than ever before.
You meet the type of people you only thought existed in the movies.
You learn to sleep with light, noise, extreme temperatures, and roommates snoring.
You don't have to cover your textbooks anymore.
You become a juggler with the balance between school, friends, girls, activities, work, parties.
You live for chicken finger day at the cafeteria.
People that were geeks in high school seem okay now.
You begin to realize that college is about the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes.
You get good at rationalizing on whether to do homework or not.
Procrastination becomes an art.
Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires.
The only reason you ever dress up is when everything else is dirty.
With all the wealth of knowledge around you, you start to feel like you're on intellectual welfare.
Going to the mini-mart is a major treat.
Amount of alcohol consumed is inversely proportional to grade point average.
You have two kinds of shoes: everyday shoes and party shoes.
Classes: the later the better.
The cute girls actually talk to you now.
Care packages make it all worthwhile.
The longer you're there, the less you talk about home.
Always wear your safety goggles. They're not kidding.
You don't learn last names.
Card games never lasted for hours before.
Vacuuming happens every semester, if you get around to it.
Boys will dance in college.
People who never talked to you in high school are now your best friends when you come home.
You are NEVER alone.
It's amazing how late you can stay up doing absolutely nothing, yet falling asleep in class or in the library takes an average of two seconds.
You spend a ridiculous amount of time pondering the mystery of whether the Lucky Charms in the cafeteria are the real thing.
People magazine is your deep philosophical reading material.
You begin to subdivide your room into sections such as den, library, etc. to make it sound like a house.
All you have to do to make new friends is have mom send some cookies.
You never realized how quiet your house was.
Dishes aren't dirty enough to wash until they have bugs and / or mold in them.
You get along so much better with your family now that you never see any of them.
Your life will never be the same again.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Things We Can Learn From A Dog
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
When it's in your best interest, always practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and always stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you are criticized, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
When it's in your best interest, always practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and always stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you are criticized, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Things Cat's Should Remember
Screaming at the can of food will not make it open by itself.
I must perfect a death stare to give my human every time I am disturbed.
If I vomit on the carpet after overeating yet again I must stand up and walk away without the slightest hint of a care.
I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing (especially right after my human has finished watching "The X-Files").
Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are not cat toys.
If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.
My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.
The cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor.
I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.
I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.
It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee.
The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.
If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it.
If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.
I must perfect a death stare to give my human every time I am disturbed.
If I vomit on the carpet after overeating yet again I must stand up and walk away without the slightest hint of a care.
I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing (especially right after my human has finished watching "The X-Files").
Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are not cat toys.
If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.
My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.
The cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor.
I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.
I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.
It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee.
The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.
If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it.
If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Top Ten Things To Say About a Gift You Don't Like...
10. Hey! Now there's a gift!
9. Well, well, well...
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4. I love it - but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
1. I really don't deserve this.
9. Well, well, well...
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4. I love it - but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
1. I really don't deserve this.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Daniel Tosh: Airport Phone Fun
So when I get a phone call at the airport, I'll admit it, I like to have a little fun. 'Go ahead. Gate 47 is completely clear.' People notice in a hurry. 'Honey, something is going on. That guy has a wire hanging down, maybe we shouldn't be standing right here.' 'Stand down, blue team! Stand down, blue team!' 'Honey, there is a sting going down at the airport. I am not feeling safe. Please, let's move.' 'Stand down, down blue team! Don't -- hold on, the subject's approaching. He's in a business suit with a briefcase. I repeat, the briefcase is in his hand.' And I find some random businessman. I run, and I just beat the crap out of him. And everybody starts clapping, 'Thank you for making our airways safe.' And then I go get on my plane, and that guy just has a weird story to tell for the rest of his life.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Jock Vs. Nerd
The answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd"?
Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game.
With $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day, working or not.
If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $9.50, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
He'd make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura SLX (about $90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'd probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed around $30,000 during that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He'd make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.
He'd make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'd pull in about $5600.
In his last year, he made more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.
... However...
... If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.
Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game.
With $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day, working or not.
If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $9.50, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
He'd make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura SLX (about $90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'd probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed around $30,000 during that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He'd make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.
He'd make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'd pull in about $5600.
In his last year, he made more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.
... However...
... If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Things You Don't Want To Say During Child Birth
-- Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.
-- Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
-- I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
-- If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
-- That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
-- When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.
-- You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
-- This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
-- Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
-- Stop your swearing and just breathe.
-- Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words.
-- Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there.
-- Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
-- I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
-- If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
-- That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
-- When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.
-- You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
-- This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
-- Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
-- Stop your swearing and just breathe.
-- Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words.
-- Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH...
10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
7. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
3. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
2. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
7. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
3. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
2. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Things To Do In A Bathroom Stall
1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbour, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"
6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbours while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"
11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbour. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbour and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"
20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"
6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbours while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"
11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbour. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbour and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"
20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Spell Checker
I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.
I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.
I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Fun with Ordering Food
Haven't you ever had the urge to loose control when ordering that burrito or burger and drink combo?
1. Ask for last months specials.
2. Place your order in three different languages if you don't know any, make them up.
3. When they repeat your order totally change it. Repeat as desired.
4. Order a whopper from McDonalds, when they say they don't have whoppers insist that they do. If they still argue demand to see a manager then when you talk to them order a normal meal and say i don't know what's up with kids these days.
5. Go to any burger joint and order Chinese.
6. When ordering in the drive through, ask if its happy hour on draft beer.
7. In summer turn stereo up full volume to Christmas music while ordering in drive through.
8. Drive in the drive through, park, then go inside and order.
9. Go through the drive through in reverse, again.
10. Wait for the busiest time of day, after paying get out of car, get jack out of trunk and proceed to rotate tires.
11. Check oil in drive through, possibly touch up the windscreen with some glass cleaner.
12. Walk up to drive through window with hands in the air like your holding onto a steering wheel.
13. Go through drive through and ask for directions to the place you're at.
14. Go through drive through naked, excluding the rabbit slippers of course!
15. Go inside and ask in a load voice if they got rid of the Ebola problems they've been having
16. Argue with your passenger (that's not there) and continue until you pay.
17. When they ask if that will be all tell them to hold on, your dog won't make up his mind.
18. After eating half your meal return it and say you got the wrong thing and ask for a refund.
19. As you're pulling away and they say "Have a nice day!" (with that retarded smile) put the car in reverse and ask them what the hell that's supposed to mean.
20. Order something from one fast food place then go to another drive through when they give you your food take one bite and say "No thank you
this tastes better (pointing to bag from other place), may i have my money back."
21. Play name that tune with person taking the order.
22. Pretend your deaf and order in sign language.
23. Go through Taco Bell order the 7 layer burrito. When they repeat your order ask if each layer of the burrito is sold separately.
24. When they ask how you are today proceed by telling them about your diarrhea problems, most likely due to the burger you bought from them yesterday and the day before that.
25. Go through a drive through after they tell you to pull to the window drive past it and go inside to get your order.
1. Ask for last months specials.
2. Place your order in three different languages if you don't know any, make them up.
3. When they repeat your order totally change it. Repeat as desired.
4. Order a whopper from McDonalds, when they say they don't have whoppers insist that they do. If they still argue demand to see a manager then when you talk to them order a normal meal and say i don't know what's up with kids these days.
5. Go to any burger joint and order Chinese.
6. When ordering in the drive through, ask if its happy hour on draft beer.
7. In summer turn stereo up full volume to Christmas music while ordering in drive through.
8. Drive in the drive through, park, then go inside and order.
9. Go through the drive through in reverse, again.
10. Wait for the busiest time of day, after paying get out of car, get jack out of trunk and proceed to rotate tires.
11. Check oil in drive through, possibly touch up the windscreen with some glass cleaner.
12. Walk up to drive through window with hands in the air like your holding onto a steering wheel.
13. Go through drive through and ask for directions to the place you're at.
14. Go through drive through naked, excluding the rabbit slippers of course!
15. Go inside and ask in a load voice if they got rid of the Ebola problems they've been having
16. Argue with your passenger (that's not there) and continue until you pay.
17. When they ask if that will be all tell them to hold on, your dog won't make up his mind.
18. After eating half your meal return it and say you got the wrong thing and ask for a refund.
19. As you're pulling away and they say "Have a nice day!" (with that retarded smile) put the car in reverse and ask them what the hell that's supposed to mean.
20. Order something from one fast food place then go to another drive through when they give you your food take one bite and say "No thank you
this tastes better (pointing to bag from other place), may i have my money back."
21. Play name that tune with person taking the order.
22. Pretend your deaf and order in sign language.
23. Go through Taco Bell order the 7 layer burrito. When they repeat your order ask if each layer of the burrito is sold separately.
24. When they ask how you are today proceed by telling them about your diarrhea problems, most likely due to the burger you bought from them yesterday and the day before that.
25. Go through a drive through after they tell you to pull to the window drive past it and go inside to get your order.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Man of the House
Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my first guess."
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my first guess."
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Hearing Aids
An eldery patient gets hearing aids from a doctor. After short time, he meets the doctor again.
Doctor, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased."
Patient, "Oh, I am in a funny situation now. I haven't told my family yet. I just sit and listen to their conversations. In a month, I've changed my will three times!"
Doctor, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased."
Patient, "Oh, I am in a funny situation now. I haven't told my family yet. I just sit and listen to their conversations. In a month, I've changed my will three times!"
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Two Hillbillies
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya' swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, "Kin ya' breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya' swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, "Kin ya' breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Two Pilots
Two blind pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,"Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna' scream too late and we're all gonna die."
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,"Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna' scream too late and we're all gonna die."
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Things a Man Wouldn't Say & Things a Woman Wouldn't Say
Things A Man Would Never Say:
- I think Barry Manilow is one cool dude.
- While I'm up, can I get YOU a beer?
- I think hairy butts are really sexy.
- Her boobs are just way too big.
- Sometimes I just want to be held.
- That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
- Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
- We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
- Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
- I think we are lost, we better pull over ands ask for directions.
Things A Woman Would Never Say:
- Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
- Go ahead and leave the seat up, doesn't bother me at all!
- I think hairy butts are really sexy.
- Hey, get a whiff of that one.
- Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
- This diamond is way too big!
- I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
- Wow, five inches is just too much for me!
- Does this make my butt look too small?
- I'm wrong, you must be right again.
- I think Barry Manilow is one cool dude.
- While I'm up, can I get YOU a beer?
- I think hairy butts are really sexy.
- Her boobs are just way too big.
- Sometimes I just want to be held.
- That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
- Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
- We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
- Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
- I think we are lost, we better pull over ands ask for directions.
Things A Woman Would Never Say:
- Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
- Go ahead and leave the seat up, doesn't bother me at all!
- I think hairy butts are really sexy.
- Hey, get a whiff of that one.
- Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
- This diamond is way too big!
- I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
- Wow, five inches is just too much for me!
- Does this make my butt look too small?
- I'm wrong, you must be right again.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Bathroom Etiquette
In the men's room, an accountant, a lawyer and a farmer were standing side by side using the urinal.
The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he held about 20 paper towels before he
finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from Harvard and they taught us to be sanitary."
The lawyer finished, zipped up, went to the sink and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from UC Berkeley and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The farmer zipped up and as he was walking directly out the door said, "I graduated from WVU and they taught us not to piss on our fingers"
The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he held about 20 paper towels before he
finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from Harvard and they taught us to be sanitary."
The lawyer finished, zipped up, went to the sink and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from UC Berkeley and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The farmer zipped up and as he was walking directly out the door said, "I graduated from WVU and they taught us not to piss on our fingers"
Sunday, July 8, 2012
American's
Facts about Americans. Did you know that........
-only 30% of us can flare our nostrils
-21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
-Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their
husbands to do it correctly.
-40% of women have hurled footwear at a man
-85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear
-67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs)
-the average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a
34B
-85% of women wear the wrong bra size
-3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with
singles leading up to higher denominations
-13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring's homework
-91% of us lie regularly
-27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz
-29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store
-50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to
avoid the high prices of snack foods
-90% believe in divine retribution
-10% believe in the 10 Commandments
-82% believe in an afterlife
-45% believe in ghosts
-13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail
-29% of us are virgins when we marry
-58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't
-10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item
-Over 50% believe in spanking---but only a child over 2 years
old
-35% give to charity at least once a month
-How far would you go for $10 million?
-25% would abandon their friends, family, and church
-7% would murder
-69% eat the cake before the frosting
-When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton
-85% of us will eat Spam this year
-70% of us drink orange juice daily
-Snickers is the most popular candy
-22% of us skip lunch daily
-9% of us skip breakfast daily
-66% of us eat cereal regularly
-22% of all restaurant meals include french fries
-14% of us eat the watermelon seeds
-only 13% brush our teeth from side to side
-45% use mouthwash every day
-22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink
-the typical shower is 101 degrees F
-Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair
-9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery
-53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on
-58% of women paint their nails regularly
-62% of us pop our zits
-33% of women lie about their weight
-10% of us claim to have seen a ghost
-57% have had deja vu
-49% believe in ESP
-4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids
-the average girl starts her period at age 12
-44% have broken a bone
-only 30% of us know our cholesterol level
-14% have attended a self-help meeting
-15% regularly go to a shrink
-78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home
-46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've
used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up
-30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat
-54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet
-23.5% admit they don't always flush
-45.2% pee in the shower
-44.9% pee in the ocean
-28.1% pee in the pool
-55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they're
using the toilet
-39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been
caught by the host.
-81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants
-29% of us ignore RSVP
-71.6% of us eavesdrop
-22% are functionally illiterate
-less than 10% are trilingual
-37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR
-53% prefer ATM machines over tellers
-56% of women do the bills in a marriage
-2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night
for a million bucks
-20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life
-40% of us have had music lessons
-44% reuse tinfoil
-57% save pretty gift paper to reuse
-66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken
credit for doing it from scratch
-53% read their horoscopes regularly
-16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly
men)
-59% of us say we're average-looking -blacks are more than twice
as likely to call themselves beautiful
-90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us
-53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers
-28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.
-51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity -on average,
we send 38 Christmas cards every year
-20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends
-2 out of 5 have married their first love
-the biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money
-only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand
-1 in 5 men proposed on his knees
-6% propose over the phone
-71% can drive a stick-shift car
-45% of us consistently follow the speed limit
-2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light
-1/3 of us don't wear seat belts
-12% of men never use their car blinkers
ARE YOU NORMAL?
-only 30% of us can flare our nostrils
-21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
-Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their
husbands to do it correctly.
-40% of women have hurled footwear at a man
-85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear
-67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs)
-the average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a
34B
-85% of women wear the wrong bra size
-3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with
singles leading up to higher denominations
-13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring's homework
-91% of us lie regularly
-27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz
-29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store
-50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to
avoid the high prices of snack foods
-90% believe in divine retribution
-10% believe in the 10 Commandments
-82% believe in an afterlife
-45% believe in ghosts
-13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail
-29% of us are virgins when we marry
-58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't
-10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item
-Over 50% believe in spanking---but only a child over 2 years
old
-35% give to charity at least once a month
-How far would you go for $10 million?
-25% would abandon their friends, family, and church
-7% would murder
-69% eat the cake before the frosting
-When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton
-85% of us will eat Spam this year
-70% of us drink orange juice daily
-Snickers is the most popular candy
-22% of us skip lunch daily
-9% of us skip breakfast daily
-66% of us eat cereal regularly
-22% of all restaurant meals include french fries
-14% of us eat the watermelon seeds
-only 13% brush our teeth from side to side
-45% use mouthwash every day
-22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink
-the typical shower is 101 degrees F
-Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair
-9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery
-53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on
-58% of women paint their nails regularly
-62% of us pop our zits
-33% of women lie about their weight
-10% of us claim to have seen a ghost
-57% have had deja vu
-49% believe in ESP
-4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids
-the average girl starts her period at age 12
-44% have broken a bone
-only 30% of us know our cholesterol level
-14% have attended a self-help meeting
-15% regularly go to a shrink
-78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home
-46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've
used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up
-30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat
-54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet
-23.5% admit they don't always flush
-45.2% pee in the shower
-44.9% pee in the ocean
-28.1% pee in the pool
-55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they're
using the toilet
-39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been
caught by the host.
-81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants
-29% of us ignore RSVP
-71.6% of us eavesdrop
-22% are functionally illiterate
-less than 10% are trilingual
-37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR
-53% prefer ATM machines over tellers
-56% of women do the bills in a marriage
-2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night
for a million bucks
-20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life
-40% of us have had music lessons
-44% reuse tinfoil
-57% save pretty gift paper to reuse
-66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken
credit for doing it from scratch
-53% read their horoscopes regularly
-16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly
men)
-59% of us say we're average-looking -blacks are more than twice
as likely to call themselves beautiful
-90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us
-53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers
-28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.
-51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity -on average,
we send 38 Christmas cards every year
-20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends
-2 out of 5 have married their first love
-the biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money
-only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand
-1 in 5 men proposed on his knees
-6% propose over the phone
-71% can drive a stick-shift car
-45% of us consistently follow the speed limit
-2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light
-1/3 of us don't wear seat belts
-12% of men never use their car blinkers
ARE YOU NORMAL?
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Jesus
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was a drink.
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His mother didn't know who his father was.
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody brother.
2. He had no permanent address.
3. Nobody would hire him.
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion.
AND FINALLY, THE PROOF THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin,
and his mother was sure He was God
1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was a drink.
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His mother didn't know who his father was.
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody brother.
2. He had no permanent address.
3. Nobody would hire him.
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion.
AND FINALLY, THE PROOF THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin,
and his mother was sure He was God
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Farming
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have grasshoppers in Texas?"
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have grasshoppers in Texas?"
Sunday, June 17, 2012
All In A Days Work
Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed." She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper
the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table, and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.
She, then, put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the washer, ironed a shirt, and secured a loose button. She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table, and put the phone book back into the drawer. She watered the plants,emptied a wastebasket, and hung up a towel to dry.
She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a schoolbook out from hiding under a chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend,
addressed and stamped the envelope, and wrote a quick list for the grocery store. She put both near her purse. She then, washed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth.
Hubby called, "I thought you were going to bed."
"I'm on my way," she said. She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of The kids. She turned off a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the
hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one child who was still awake doing homework. In her own room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow.
About that time, hubby turned off the TV and announced, to no one in particular, "I'm going to bed," and...he did.
the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table, and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.
She, then, put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the washer, ironed a shirt, and secured a loose button. She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table, and put the phone book back into the drawer. She watered the plants,emptied a wastebasket, and hung up a towel to dry.
She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a schoolbook out from hiding under a chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend,
addressed and stamped the envelope, and wrote a quick list for the grocery store. She put both near her purse. She then, washed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth.
Hubby called, "I thought you were going to bed."
"I'm on my way," she said. She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of The kids. She turned off a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the
hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one child who was still awake doing homework. In her own room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow.
About that time, hubby turned off the TV and announced, to no one in particular, "I'm going to bed," and...he did.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Affairs
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awaking around eight p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?"demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling", replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?"demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling", replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
Sunday, June 3, 2012
A Women's Random Thoughts
Skinny people piss me off! Especially when the say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat." Now, I have forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to
forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a damn.
They ;keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go th the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen bitch. . . do it and die."
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)
I( read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"
forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a damn.
They ;keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go th the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen bitch. . . do it and die."
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)
I( read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Thanksgiving Forecast
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon
high near 190 F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother
the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34 F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
high near 190 F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother
the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34 F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Christmas Just Wasn't The Same
It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn't. Santa was really pissed. It was
Christmas eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the
Christmas cookies. The Elves were complaining about not getting paid for the
overtime they had put in while making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking
all afternoon and were dead drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin
earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners.
Santa was beside himself with anger. "I CAN"T believe it! I've got to deliver
millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my
reindeer are drunk, my Elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas
tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't
even back yet! What am I going to do?".
Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy
night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says: "Yo, Santa, where do you want me to
stick the Christmas Tree this year???"
And thus the tradition of Angels perched on top of the Christmas trees came to
pass. . . .
Christmas eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the
Christmas cookies. The Elves were complaining about not getting paid for the
overtime they had put in while making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking
all afternoon and were dead drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin
earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners.
Santa was beside himself with anger. "I CAN"T believe it! I've got to deliver
millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my
reindeer are drunk, my Elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas
tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't
even back yet! What am I going to do?".
Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy
night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says: "Yo, Santa, where do you want me to
stick the Christmas Tree this year???"
And thus the tradition of Angels perched on top of the Christmas trees came to
pass. . . .
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Don't call me a Generation X-er
I am a child of the eighties what I prefer to be called. The nineties can do without me. Grunge isn't here to stay, fashion is fickle and "Generation X" is a myth created by some over-40 writer trying to figure out why people wear flannel in the summer. When I got home from school, I played with my Atari 2600. I spent hours playing Pitfall or Combat or Breakout or Dodge'em Cars or Frogger. I never did beat Asteroids. Then I watched "Scooby Doo." Daphne was a Goddess, and I thought Shaggy was smoking something synthetic in the back of their psychedelic van. I hated Scrappy.
I would sleep over at friends' houses on the weekends. We played army with G.I. Joe figures, and I set up galactic wars between Autobots and Decepticons. We stayed up half the night throwing marshmallows and Velveeta at one another. We never beat the Rubik's Cube. I got up on Saturday mornings at 6 a.m. to watch bad Hanna-Barbera cartoons like "The Snorks," "Jabberjaw," "Captain Caveman," and "SpaceGhost." In between I would watch "School House Rock." ("Conjunction junction, what's your function?")
On weeknights Daisy Duke was my future wife. I was going to own the General Lee and shoot dynamite arrows out the back. Why did they weld the doors shut? At the movies the Nerds got Revenge on the Alpha Betas by teaming up with the Omega Mus. I watched Indiana Jones save the Ark of the Covenant, and wondered what Yoda meant when he said, "No, there is another." Ronald Reagan was cool. Gorbachev was the guy who built a McDonalds in Moscow.
My family took summer vacations to the Gulf of Mexico and collected "Muppet Movie" glasses along the way. (We had the whole set.) My siblings and I fought in the back seat. At the hotel we found creative uses for Connect Four pieces like throwing them in that big air conditioning unit. I listened to John Cougar Mellencamp sing about Little Pink Houses for Jack and Diane. I was bewildered by Boy George and the colors of his dreams, red, gold, and green. MTV played videos. Nickelodeon played "You Can't Do That on Television" and "Dangermouse." Cor! HBO showed Mike Tyson pummel everybody except Robin Givens, the bad actress from "Head of the Class" who took all Mike's cashflow.
I drank Dr. Pepper. "I'm a Pepper, you're a Pepper, wouldn't you like to be a Pepper, too?" Shasta was for losers. TAB was a laboratory accident. Capri Sun was a social statement. Orange juice wasn't just for breakfast anymore, and bacon had to move over for something meatier. My mom put a thousand Little Debbie Snack Cakes in my Charlie Brown lunch box, and filled my Snoopy Thermos with grape Kool-Aid. I would never eat the snack cakes, though. Did anyone?
I got two thousand cheese and cracker snack packs, and I ate those. I went to school and had recess. I went to the same classes everyday. Some weird guy from the eighth grade always won the science fair with the working hydro-electric plant that leaked on my project about music and plants. They just loved Beethoven. Field day was bigger than Christmas,but it always managed to rain just enough to make everybody miserable before they fell over in the three-legged race. Where did all those panty hose come from?
"Deck the Halls with Gasoline, fa la la la la la la la la," was just a song. Burping was cool. Rubber band fights were cooler.substitute teacher was a baby sitter/marked woman. Nobody deserved that. I went to Cub Scouts. I got my arrow-of-light, but never managed to win the Pinewood Derby. I got almost every skill award but don't remember ever doing anything. The world stopped when the Challenger exploded. Half of your friends' parents got divorced.
People did not just say no to drugs. AIDS started, but you knew more people who had a grandparent die from cancer. Somebody in your school died before they graduated. When you put all this stuff together, you have my childhood. If this stuff sounds familiar, then I bet you are one, too. We are children of the eighties. That is what I prefer "they" call it. We are the children of the Eighties. We are not the first "lost generation" nor today's lost generation; in fact, we think we know just where we stand - or are discovering it as we speak. We are the ones who played with Lego Building Blocks when they were just building blocks and gave Malibu Barbie crewcuts with safety scissors that never really cut.
We collected Garbage Pail Kids and Cabbage Patch Kids and My Little Ponies and Hot Wheels and He-Man action figures and thought She-Ra looked just a little bit like I would when I was a woman. Big Wheels and bicycles with streamers were the way to go, and sidewalk chalk was all you needed to build a city. Imagination was the key. It made the Ewok Treehouse big enough for you to be Luke and the kitchen table and an old sheet dark enough to be a tent in the forest. Your world was the backyard and it was all you needed. With your pink portable tape player,Debbie Gibson sang back up to you and everyone wanted a skirt like the Material Girl and a glove like Michael Jackson's.
Today, we are the ones who sing along with Bruce Springsteen and The Bangles perfectly and have no idea why. We recite lines with the Ghostbusters and still look to The Goonies for a great adventure. We flip through T.V. stations and stop at The A Team and Knight Rider and Fame and laugh with The Cosby Show and Family Ties and Punky Brewster and what you talkin' 'bout Willis? We hold strong affections for The Muppets and The GUMMY BEARS and why did they take the Smurfs off the air? After school specials were only about cigarettes and step-families. The Pokka Dot Door was nothing like Barney, and aren't the Power Rangers just Voltron reincarnated? We are the ones who stNancy Drew and the Hardy Boys, the Bobbsey Twins, Beverly Clearly and Judy Blume, Richard Scary and the Electric Company.
Friendship bracelets were ties you couldn't break and friendship pins went on shoes; preferably hightop Velcro Reebox - and pegged jeans were in, as were Units belts and layered socks and jean jackets and jams and charm necklaces and side pony tails and just tails. Rave was a girl's best friend; braces with colored rubberbands made you cool. The backdoor was always open and Mom served only red Kool-Aid to the neighborhood kids- never drank New Coke. Entertainment was cheap and lasted for hours. All you needed to be a princess was high heels and an apron; the Sit'n'Spin always made you dizzy but never made you stop; Pogoballs were dangerous weapons and Chinese Jump Ropes never failed to trip someone.
In your Underoos you were Wonder Woman or Spider Man or R2D2 and in your treehouse you were king. In the Eighties, nothing was wrong. Did you know the president was shot? Star Wars was not only a movie. Did you ever play in a bomb shelter? Did you see the Challenger explode or feed the homeless man?
We forgot Vietnam and watched Tiananman's Square on CNN and bought pieces of the Berlin Wall at the store. AIDS was not the number one killer in the United States. We didn't start the fire, Billy Joel. In the Eighties, we redefined the American Dream, and those years defined us. We are the generation in between strife and facing strife and not turning our backs. The Eighties may have made us idealistic, but it's that idealism that will push us and be passed on to our children - the first children of the twenty-first century. Never forget: We are the children of the Eighties.
If this is familiar, you are one of us... pass it on to all the others...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I would sleep over at friends' houses on the weekends. We played army with G.I. Joe figures, and I set up galactic wars between Autobots and Decepticons. We stayed up half the night throwing marshmallows and Velveeta at one another. We never beat the Rubik's Cube. I got up on Saturday mornings at 6 a.m. to watch bad Hanna-Barbera cartoons like "The Snorks," "Jabberjaw," "Captain Caveman," and "SpaceGhost." In between I would watch "School House Rock." ("Conjunction junction, what's your function?")
On weeknights Daisy Duke was my future wife. I was going to own the General Lee and shoot dynamite arrows out the back. Why did they weld the doors shut? At the movies the Nerds got Revenge on the Alpha Betas by teaming up with the Omega Mus. I watched Indiana Jones save the Ark of the Covenant, and wondered what Yoda meant when he said, "No, there is another." Ronald Reagan was cool. Gorbachev was the guy who built a McDonalds in Moscow.
My family took summer vacations to the Gulf of Mexico and collected "Muppet Movie" glasses along the way. (We had the whole set.) My siblings and I fought in the back seat. At the hotel we found creative uses for Connect Four pieces like throwing them in that big air conditioning unit. I listened to John Cougar Mellencamp sing about Little Pink Houses for Jack and Diane. I was bewildered by Boy George and the colors of his dreams, red, gold, and green. MTV played videos. Nickelodeon played "You Can't Do That on Television" and "Dangermouse." Cor! HBO showed Mike Tyson pummel everybody except Robin Givens, the bad actress from "Head of the Class" who took all Mike's cashflow.
I drank Dr. Pepper. "I'm a Pepper, you're a Pepper, wouldn't you like to be a Pepper, too?" Shasta was for losers. TAB was a laboratory accident. Capri Sun was a social statement. Orange juice wasn't just for breakfast anymore, and bacon had to move over for something meatier. My mom put a thousand Little Debbie Snack Cakes in my Charlie Brown lunch box, and filled my Snoopy Thermos with grape Kool-Aid. I would never eat the snack cakes, though. Did anyone?
I got two thousand cheese and cracker snack packs, and I ate those. I went to school and had recess. I went to the same classes everyday. Some weird guy from the eighth grade always won the science fair with the working hydro-electric plant that leaked on my project about music and plants. They just loved Beethoven. Field day was bigger than Christmas,but it always managed to rain just enough to make everybody miserable before they fell over in the three-legged race. Where did all those panty hose come from?
"Deck the Halls with Gasoline, fa la la la la la la la la," was just a song. Burping was cool. Rubber band fights were cooler.substitute teacher was a baby sitter/marked woman. Nobody deserved that. I went to Cub Scouts. I got my arrow-of-light, but never managed to win the Pinewood Derby. I got almost every skill award but don't remember ever doing anything. The world stopped when the Challenger exploded. Half of your friends' parents got divorced.
People did not just say no to drugs. AIDS started, but you knew more people who had a grandparent die from cancer. Somebody in your school died before they graduated. When you put all this stuff together, you have my childhood. If this stuff sounds familiar, then I bet you are one, too. We are children of the eighties. That is what I prefer "they" call it. We are the children of the Eighties. We are not the first "lost generation" nor today's lost generation; in fact, we think we know just where we stand - or are discovering it as we speak. We are the ones who played with Lego Building Blocks when they were just building blocks and gave Malibu Barbie crewcuts with safety scissors that never really cut.
We collected Garbage Pail Kids and Cabbage Patch Kids and My Little Ponies and Hot Wheels and He-Man action figures and thought She-Ra looked just a little bit like I would when I was a woman. Big Wheels and bicycles with streamers were the way to go, and sidewalk chalk was all you needed to build a city. Imagination was the key. It made the Ewok Treehouse big enough for you to be Luke and the kitchen table and an old sheet dark enough to be a tent in the forest. Your world was the backyard and it was all you needed. With your pink portable tape player,Debbie Gibson sang back up to you and everyone wanted a skirt like the Material Girl and a glove like Michael Jackson's.
Today, we are the ones who sing along with Bruce Springsteen and The Bangles perfectly and have no idea why. We recite lines with the Ghostbusters and still look to The Goonies for a great adventure. We flip through T.V. stations and stop at The A Team and Knight Rider and Fame and laugh with The Cosby Show and Family Ties and Punky Brewster and what you talkin' 'bout Willis? We hold strong affections for The Muppets and The GUMMY BEARS and why did they take the Smurfs off the air? After school specials were only about cigarettes and step-families. The Pokka Dot Door was nothing like Barney, and aren't the Power Rangers just Voltron reincarnated? We are the ones who stNancy Drew and the Hardy Boys, the Bobbsey Twins, Beverly Clearly and Judy Blume, Richard Scary and the Electric Company.
Friendship bracelets were ties you couldn't break and friendship pins went on shoes; preferably hightop Velcro Reebox - and pegged jeans were in, as were Units belts and layered socks and jean jackets and jams and charm necklaces and side pony tails and just tails. Rave was a girl's best friend; braces with colored rubberbands made you cool. The backdoor was always open and Mom served only red Kool-Aid to the neighborhood kids- never drank New Coke. Entertainment was cheap and lasted for hours. All you needed to be a princess was high heels and an apron; the Sit'n'Spin always made you dizzy but never made you stop; Pogoballs were dangerous weapons and Chinese Jump Ropes never failed to trip someone.
In your Underoos you were Wonder Woman or Spider Man or R2D2 and in your treehouse you were king. In the Eighties, nothing was wrong. Did you know the president was shot? Star Wars was not only a movie. Did you ever play in a bomb shelter? Did you see the Challenger explode or feed the homeless man?
We forgot Vietnam and watched Tiananman's Square on CNN and bought pieces of the Berlin Wall at the store. AIDS was not the number one killer in the United States. We didn't start the fire, Billy Joel. In the Eighties, we redefined the American Dream, and those years defined us. We are the generation in between strife and facing strife and not turning our backs. The Eighties may have made us idealistic, but it's that idealism that will push us and be passed on to our children - the first children of the twenty-first century. Never forget: We are the children of the Eighties.
If this is familiar, you are one of us... pass it on to all the others...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Sunday, May 6, 2012
71 Things To Do On An Exam You Know You Are Going To Fail
1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.
4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.
7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
8. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when she's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Screw this!" and walk out triumphantly.
14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)
15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
16. Comment on how good the instructor is looking that day.
17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.
20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.
23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.
25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!
27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
31. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
32. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
33. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
34. Bring cheerleaders.
35. Bring pets.
36. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
37 Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to
stay.
38. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
39. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
40. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
41. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
42. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
43. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
44. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
45. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the
attached notes for references as you see fit."
46. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
47. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
48. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
49. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
50. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
51. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
52. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
53. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"
54. Make Strange noises... get people to stare... look at the person next to you as if he\she did it.
55. Write a short story about your childhood, or an experience that you once had. If you can't think of anything, make something up. Be creative. End the story with "I just thought I should tell you."
56. Wear a mask or costume, pretend that you really DO think that you're someone else.
57. Play loud music.
58. When you turn in your test, take all the ones under it and throw them away or keep them or put your name on some of them. Do it casually, as if that's what you are supposed to do after an exam.
59. Dress like the professor.
60. Cross-Dress.
61. Borrow a friend's Video taping equipment and set up a lot of lights and a camera around your desk. Call out instructions to imaginary people who are supposed to be working the equipment.
62. Two words: Plastic Explosives.
63. Bring food or Drinks, pass them out to the class as if you're supposed to be giving samples for a fund raiser. Use the words "Would you buy something like this if we had a bake sale?" It doesn't matter if they are baked goods or not.
64. Trip people as they walk by your desk.
65. Read all the questions out loud like Rain Man.
66. Walk around the room and ask people if there is anything that you can help them with. Speak loudly stutter and spit. Make a show of it.
67. Make several origami animals out of the test papers. Re-enact scenes from your favorite soap opera with them.
68. In the middle of the test, have a friend rush into the classroom, tag your hand, and resume taking your test for you. When the teacher asks what's going on, calmly explain the rules of Tag Team Testing to him/her.
69. Use Invisible Ink to answer the whole exam.
70. Order catering. The catering company should come in about halfway through the test, and should include at least three waiters, eight carts of food, and five candelabras.
71. Stand up after about 15 minutes, and say loudly, "Okay, let's double-check our answers! Number one, A. Number two, C. Number three, E...."
2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.
4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.
7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
8. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when she's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Screw this!" and walk out triumphantly.
14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)
15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
16. Comment on how good the instructor is looking that day.
17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.
20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.
23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.
25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!
27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
31. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
32. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
33. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
34. Bring cheerleaders.
35. Bring pets.
36. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
37 Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to
stay.
38. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
39. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
40. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
41. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
42. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
43. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
44. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
45. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the
attached notes for references as you see fit."
46. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
47. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
48. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
49. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
50. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
51. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
52. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
53. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"
54. Make Strange noises... get people to stare... look at the person next to you as if he\she did it.
55. Write a short story about your childhood, or an experience that you once had. If you can't think of anything, make something up. Be creative. End the story with "I just thought I should tell you."
56. Wear a mask or costume, pretend that you really DO think that you're someone else.
57. Play loud music.
58. When you turn in your test, take all the ones under it and throw them away or keep them or put your name on some of them. Do it casually, as if that's what you are supposed to do after an exam.
59. Dress like the professor.
60. Cross-Dress.
61. Borrow a friend's Video taping equipment and set up a lot of lights and a camera around your desk. Call out instructions to imaginary people who are supposed to be working the equipment.
62. Two words: Plastic Explosives.
63. Bring food or Drinks, pass them out to the class as if you're supposed to be giving samples for a fund raiser. Use the words "Would you buy something like this if we had a bake sale?" It doesn't matter if they are baked goods or not.
64. Trip people as they walk by your desk.
65. Read all the questions out loud like Rain Man.
66. Walk around the room and ask people if there is anything that you can help them with. Speak loudly stutter and spit. Make a show of it.
67. Make several origami animals out of the test papers. Re-enact scenes from your favorite soap opera with them.
68. In the middle of the test, have a friend rush into the classroom, tag your hand, and resume taking your test for you. When the teacher asks what's going on, calmly explain the rules of Tag Team Testing to him/her.
69. Use Invisible Ink to answer the whole exam.
70. Order catering. The catering company should come in about halfway through the test, and should include at least three waiters, eight carts of food, and five candelabras.
71. Stand up after about 15 minutes, and say loudly, "Okay, let's double-check our answers! Number one, A. Number two, C. Number three, E...."
Sunday, April 29, 2012
40 THINGS TO PROVE YOU'RE A NEW YORKER
01. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
02. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
03. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long week end, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
04. Hookers and the homeless are invisible.
05. The subway makes sense.
06. The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.
07. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
08. You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".
09. Your door has more than three locks.
10. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
11. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
12. You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.
13. You consider Westchester "Upstate".
14. You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Wapner.
15. You think Central Park is "nature."
16. You see nothing odd about the speed of an auctioneer's speaking.
17. You're paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet and you think it's a "steal."
18. You've been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both times.
19. You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the U.S. pay in rent.
20. You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid.
21. You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most Americans are heading to bed.
22. Your closet is filled with black clothes.
23. You haven't heard the sound of true absolute silence since 1977, and when you did, it terrified you.
24. You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.
25. You take fashion seriously.
26. Being truly alone makes you nervous.
27. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.
28. Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip."
29. America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.
30. You've gotten jaywalking down to an art form.
31. You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.
32. You haven't cooked a meal since helping mom last Thanksgiving.
33. You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
34. Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.
35. $50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.
36. You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.
37. You don't hear sirens anymore.
38. You've mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city's air qualityand what it's doing to your lungs.
39. You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns.
40. Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watchseller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newstand guy is Indian and
your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian.
02. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
03. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long week end, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
04. Hookers and the homeless are invisible.
05. The subway makes sense.
06. The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.
07. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
08. You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".
09. Your door has more than three locks.
10. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
11. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
12. You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.
13. You consider Westchester "Upstate".
14. You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Wapner.
15. You think Central Park is "nature."
16. You see nothing odd about the speed of an auctioneer's speaking.
17. You're paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet and you think it's a "steal."
18. You've been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both times.
19. You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the U.S. pay in rent.
20. You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid.
21. You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most Americans are heading to bed.
22. Your closet is filled with black clothes.
23. You haven't heard the sound of true absolute silence since 1977, and when you did, it terrified you.
24. You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.
25. You take fashion seriously.
26. Being truly alone makes you nervous.
27. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.
28. Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip."
29. America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.
30. You've gotten jaywalking down to an art form.
31. You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.
32. You haven't cooked a meal since helping mom last Thanksgiving.
33. You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
34. Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.
35. $50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.
36. You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.
37. You don't hear sirens anymore.
38. You've mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city's air qualityand what it's doing to your lungs.
39. You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns.
40. Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watchseller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newstand guy is Indian and
your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Bar Joke
A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. So he's sitting there contemplating life when he notices this great piano music playing. He looks around, and there's no piano, no band and no speakers. So he ask's the bartender where the music is coming from. The bartender says "I 've got a little man, who's about a foot high and he plays a little tiny piano under the counter."
The man doesn't believe him so he looks under the counter and sure enough there is a little man who's about a foot tall. The little man waves and asks if the man has any requests. The man is totally amazed. And he asks the bartender where he found the little man.
The bartender says "Well the other day I was taking out the garbage and I found a vase in the alley. So I picked it up and wiped off the dirt, and waddya know, a genie appears and says " I'll grant you one wish, any wish, but only one wish!" So here I am and I've got this little guy who plays the piano."
The guy asks what happened to the vase. The bartender says it's still out in the alley. The guy runs out the back door and looks for the vase. He picks it up and rubs it and the genie appears and says "I'll grant you one wish, any wish, but only one wish." So the man says "I want a million bucks." Snap!Poof! The alley is filled with a million quacking, shitting ducks. The man runs back in side and tells the bartender "That genie has a hearing problem! I asked for a million bucks and I get a million ducks!"
The bartender says "Yeah, no shit buddy. Do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist??!!"
The man doesn't believe him so he looks under the counter and sure enough there is a little man who's about a foot tall. The little man waves and asks if the man has any requests. The man is totally amazed. And he asks the bartender where he found the little man.
The bartender says "Well the other day I was taking out the garbage and I found a vase in the alley. So I picked it up and wiped off the dirt, and waddya know, a genie appears and says " I'll grant you one wish, any wish, but only one wish!" So here I am and I've got this little guy who plays the piano."
The guy asks what happened to the vase. The bartender says it's still out in the alley. The guy runs out the back door and looks for the vase. He picks it up and rubs it and the genie appears and says "I'll grant you one wish, any wish, but only one wish." So the man says "I want a million bucks." Snap!Poof! The alley is filled with a million quacking, shitting ducks. The man runs back in side and tells the bartender "That genie has a hearing problem! I asked for a million bucks and I get a million ducks!"
The bartender says "Yeah, no shit buddy. Do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist??!!"
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Funny Joke
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a wagon after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the minister. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the Pastor said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come, sit down and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind for working you so hard!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under this load of hay."
"You look hot, my son," said the minister. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the Pastor said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come, sit down and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind for working you so hard!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under this load of hay."
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Bird Joke
David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example... Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change.
Then the parrot continued,"May I ask what the chicken did?"
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example... Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change.
Then the parrot continued,"May I ask what the chicken did?"
Sunday, April 1, 2012
39 Creative Ways to Say Someone is Stupid:
1)A few clowns short of a circus.
2)A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
3)An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
4)A few beers short of a six-pack.
5)Dumber than a box of hair.
6)A few peas short of a casserole.
7)Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.
8)The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
9)One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
10)One taco short of a combination plate.
11)A few feathers short of a whole duck.
12)All foam, no beer.
13)The cheese slid off her cracker.
14)Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
15)Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
16)He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
17)An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
18)As smart as bait.
19)Chimney's clogged.
20)Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
21)Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
22)Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
23)Forgot to pay her brain bill.
24)Her sewing machine's out of thread.
25)His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
26)His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
27)If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
28)Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
29)No grain in the silo.
30)Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
31)Receiver is off the hook.
32)Several nuts short of a full pouch.
33)Skylight leaks a little.
34)Slinky's kinked.
35)Surfing in Nebraska.
36)Too much yardage between the goal posts.
37)Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
38)The lights are on, but nobody's home.
39)24 cents short of a quarter.
2)A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
3)An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
4)A few beers short of a six-pack.
5)Dumber than a box of hair.
6)A few peas short of a casserole.
7)Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.
8)The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
9)One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
10)One taco short of a combination plate.
11)A few feathers short of a whole duck.
12)All foam, no beer.
13)The cheese slid off her cracker.
14)Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
15)Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
16)He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
17)An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
18)As smart as bait.
19)Chimney's clogged.
20)Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
21)Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
22)Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
23)Forgot to pay her brain bill.
24)Her sewing machine's out of thread.
25)His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
26)His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
27)If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
28)Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
29)No grain in the silo.
30)Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
31)Receiver is off the hook.
32)Several nuts short of a full pouch.
33)Skylight leaks a little.
34)Slinky's kinked.
35)Surfing in Nebraska.
36)Too much yardage between the goal posts.
37)Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
38)The lights are on, but nobody's home.
39)24 cents short of a quarter.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
30 Fun Things to do When Driving
30 Fun Things to do When Driving
1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
22. Keep at least five cats in the car.
23. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray to roadkill.
29. Throw Spam.
30. Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop. then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.
31. Chinese Firedrill. Get at least 2 people in a car (the more the better) when the light turns red everyone get out and run around the car and yell "fire, fire!" Then get back in the car but switch drivers. Then drive off when the light turns green and act like nothing happened. (Called Chinese Fire Drill because China is so crowded that there is no place to run in a fire. So you have to get back in.)
1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
22. Keep at least five cats in the car.
23. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray to roadkill.
29. Throw Spam.
30. Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop. then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.
31. Chinese Firedrill. Get at least 2 people in a car (the more the better) when the light turns red everyone get out and run around the car and yell "fire, fire!" Then get back in the car but switch drivers. Then drive off when the light turns green and act like nothing happened. (Called Chinese Fire Drill because China is so crowded that there is no place to run in a fire. So you have to get back in.)
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Punctuation
An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
Sunday, March 11, 2012
25 Signs You're Getting Older
1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie -- the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids -- not condoms and pregnancy-test kits.
20. A $4 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi & Ho-Ho's.
23. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
25. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie -- the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids -- not condoms and pregnancy-test kits.
20. A $4 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi & Ho-Ho's.
23. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
25. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
19 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa."
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa."
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Bumper Stickers
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
Illiterate? Write For Help
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over
[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
Ax Me About Ebonics
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
Illiterate? Write For Help
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over
[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
Ax Me About Ebonics
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Heaven
A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter."
The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates.
"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.
"What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."
The woman promptly replied,"Then the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom. "I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter."
The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates.
"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.
"What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."
The woman promptly replied,"Then the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom. "I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Bumper Stickers
* Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Horn broken, watch for finger.
* My kid had sex with your honor student.
* If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
* Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
* I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
* I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Keep honking, I'm reloading.
* Hang up and drive.
* Lord save me from your followers.
* Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
* Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
* I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
* Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
* Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Horn broken, watch for finger.
* My kid had sex with your honor student.
* If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
* Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
* I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
* I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Keep honking, I'm reloading.
* Hang up and drive.
* Lord save me from your followers.
* Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
* Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
* I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
* Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
* Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Weird Test Answers
These are purported to be actual test answers from various schools in the
Huntsville, Alabama metropolitan area.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
SOCIOLOGY
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
BIOLOGY
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.
ENGLISH
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
TECHNOLOGY
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
RELIGION
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lay eggs.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
10 Questions Not To Ask During A Job Interview
1. What's your company's policy on severance pay?
2. How long does it take your company's bureaucracy to get around to firing somebody for poor performance?
3. Could I get an office that's really close to the exit?
4. Does your company's life insurance cover suicide?
5. Who's the ugly bitch in that picture on your desk?
6. Does your company's insurance consider genital herpes a pre-existing condition?
7. How many sick days do you allow each employee before you stop paying them for not being here?
8. Does your insurance cover sex-change operations?
9. Does your LAN have a firewall that blocks triple-X websites?
10. How frequently do your accountants audit petty cash?
2. How long does it take your company's bureaucracy to get around to firing somebody for poor performance?
3. Could I get an office that's really close to the exit?
4. Does your company's life insurance cover suicide?
5. Who's the ugly bitch in that picture on your desk?
6. Does your company's insurance consider genital herpes a pre-existing condition?
7. How many sick days do you allow each employee before you stop paying them for not being here?
8. Does your insurance cover sex-change operations?
9. Does your LAN have a firewall that blocks triple-X websites?
10. How frequently do your accountants audit petty cash?
Lawyer Jokes
What do lawyers use for birth control?
* Their personalities.
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
* A tick falls off of you when you die.
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
* To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
* Not enough sand.
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
* There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
* A Doberman.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
* If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
* One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
* They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Lawyer's creed:
* A man is innocent until proven broke. (written by Sam McCloud, Minneapolis Trial Lawyer)
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
* Lipstick.
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
* Skeet.
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
* Chelsea Clinton
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
* It might be your bicycle.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
* The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
* ...... I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
* You shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
* He gets taller.
* Their personalities.
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
* A tick falls off of you when you die.
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
* To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
* Not enough sand.
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
* There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
* A Doberman.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
* If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
* One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
* They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Lawyer's creed:
* A man is innocent until proven broke. (written by Sam McCloud, Minneapolis Trial Lawyer)
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
* Lipstick.
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
* Skeet.
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
* Chelsea Clinton
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
* It might be your bicycle.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
* The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
* ...... I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
* You shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
* He gets taller.
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