Lawyer Jokes

What do lawyers use for birth control?
* Their personalities.

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
* A tick falls off of you when you die.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
* To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
* Not enough sand.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
* There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
* A Doberman.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
* If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
* One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
* They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Lawyer's creed:
* A man is innocent until proven broke. (written by Sam McCloud, Minneapolis Trial Lawyer)

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
* Lipstick.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
* Skeet.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
* Chelsea Clinton

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
* It might be your bicycle.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
* The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
* ...... I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
* You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
* He gets taller.