Top 10 Rejection Lines Given by Women
I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance")
There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You are one Jurassic geezer.)
I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon)
My life is too complicate right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing)
I've got a boyfriend
(who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben & Jerry's)
I don't date men where I work
(Hey bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building)
It's not you, it's me
(It's not me, it's you)
I'm concentrating on my career
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off *only* the men like you.)
.....and the #1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)
Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with; it's that 'male perspective' thing)
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given by Men
I think of you as a sister
(You're ugly)
There's a slight difference in our ages
(You're ugly)
I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way
(You're ugly)
My life is too complicated right now.
(You're ugly)
I've got a girlfriend
(You're ugly)
I don't date women where I work
(You're ugly)
It's not you, it's me
(You're ugly)
I'm concentrating on my career
(You're ugly)
I'm celibate
(You're ugly)
.....and the #1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)
Let's be Friends
(You're SINFULLY ugly!)
The last thing...
The last 10 things any woman would ever say
Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
I think hairy butts are really sexy.
Hey, get a whiff of that one.
Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
This diamond is way too big.
I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
Wow, it really is 14 inches!
Does this make my butt look too small?
I'm wrong, you must be right again.
The last 10 things any man would ever say
I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
While I am up, can I get you a beer?
I think hairy butts are really sexy.
Her tits are just too big.
Sometimes I just want to be held.
That chick on "Murder, She Wrote" gives me a woody.
Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask directions.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Why Men Are Happy
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Abraham Lincoln and John Kennedy
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both their wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.
Both were shot in the presence of their wives.
The Secretary of each President warned them not to go to the theater and to Dallas, respectively.
Lincoln's Secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was boun in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names have 15 letters.
Booth ran from the theater and was captured in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from the warehouse and was captured in a theater.
To cap it all off, Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both their wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.
Both were shot in the presence of their wives.
The Secretary of each President warned them not to go to the theater and to Dallas, respectively.
Lincoln's Secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was boun in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names have 15 letters.
Booth ran from the theater and was captured in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from the warehouse and was captured in a theater.
To cap it all off, Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Sunday, December 29, 2013
20 Things I Might Do To Ruin My High School Reunion
1. Bring a couple vacuums and try to sell them to people while they mingle.
2. Always introduce myself by saying the last time that person called me a faggot. “Hey…Eric? It’s Chris! You last called me a faggot in AP Psych! Good to see you!!!”
3. Show up soaking wet and refuse to address it or acknowledge that I am.
4. Constantly apologize to everyone I see for vague, horrific things I said about them in high school. “I was young, I was dumb. The things I said about your face, personality and family were among the most disgusting things a person could say about someone, and I’m so sorry. Can we just let the past be the past? Hug?”.
5. Set up a paper-mache station and let people make life-size replicas of what they want to look like in another ten years, but then constantly tell them they’re doing it wrong.
6. Ask every single person I talk to if they want to watch a web video I made a couple years ago on my phone. Then ask to use theirs because I’m weird about people and my phone, I don’t want anyone stealing it.
7. Stand in the back, alone, and teach myself how to juggle all night.
8. Every time someone comes up to say hi, cut them off with, “Can we PLEASE not do this tonight? PLEASE?! Can we just be adults? That’s all Im asking.”
9. Constantly bring up that I thought there was going to be a pool.
10. Stand up and give a ten-minute speech on bravery with really confusingly prevalent African American/slavery metaphors.
11. Drink from a giant glass of milk all night.
12. Keep bringing up the great work I’m doing on Twitter. “I’m really proud of some of the things I’m doing on there, you gotta check it out. It’s been really good for me.”
13. Bring a dunk tank.
14. Go up to a guy and embarrassingly admit that right after high school, I got his name tattooed above my right nipple, then show him and ask if he’ll pose for a picture with it. If he’s uncomfortable, just keep reminding him that at least we can laugh about this for the rest of our lives. Also tell him it would be fun to take the same picture every reunion and see how his name begins to droop and sag around my areola.
15. Show up with an enormous wound on my neck.
16. Every time someone introduces themselves, say, “Oh my god! Yes! I think I remember you. Were you the girl that was such a complete fucking trainwreck all four years!?”.
17. Keep trying to get people to move the reunion over to Water World.
18. Bring ingredients to make my own tacos and then laboriously make myself dinner all night.
19. Constantly make vague references to complicated litigation I’m involved in that’s ruining my life.
20. Not go.
2. Always introduce myself by saying the last time that person called me a faggot. “Hey…Eric? It’s Chris! You last called me a faggot in AP Psych! Good to see you!!!”
3. Show up soaking wet and refuse to address it or acknowledge that I am.
4. Constantly apologize to everyone I see for vague, horrific things I said about them in high school. “I was young, I was dumb. The things I said about your face, personality and family were among the most disgusting things a person could say about someone, and I’m so sorry. Can we just let the past be the past? Hug?”.
5. Set up a paper-mache station and let people make life-size replicas of what they want to look like in another ten years, but then constantly tell them they’re doing it wrong.
6. Ask every single person I talk to if they want to watch a web video I made a couple years ago on my phone. Then ask to use theirs because I’m weird about people and my phone, I don’t want anyone stealing it.
7. Stand in the back, alone, and teach myself how to juggle all night.
8. Every time someone comes up to say hi, cut them off with, “Can we PLEASE not do this tonight? PLEASE?! Can we just be adults? That’s all Im asking.”
9. Constantly bring up that I thought there was going to be a pool.
10. Stand up and give a ten-minute speech on bravery with really confusingly prevalent African American/slavery metaphors.
11. Drink from a giant glass of milk all night.
12. Keep bringing up the great work I’m doing on Twitter. “I’m really proud of some of the things I’m doing on there, you gotta check it out. It’s been really good for me.”
13. Bring a dunk tank.
14. Go up to a guy and embarrassingly admit that right after high school, I got his name tattooed above my right nipple, then show him and ask if he’ll pose for a picture with it. If he’s uncomfortable, just keep reminding him that at least we can laugh about this for the rest of our lives. Also tell him it would be fun to take the same picture every reunion and see how his name begins to droop and sag around my areola.
15. Show up with an enormous wound on my neck.
16. Every time someone introduces themselves, say, “Oh my god! Yes! I think I remember you. Were you the girl that was such a complete fucking trainwreck all four years!?”.
17. Keep trying to get people to move the reunion over to Water World.
18. Bring ingredients to make my own tacos and then laboriously make myself dinner all night.
19. Constantly make vague references to complicated litigation I’m involved in that’s ruining my life.
20. Not go.
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Physics of Santa Claus
This is an example of physics majors with way too much time on their hands...
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle most Muslim, Hindu, and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison, this is four times the weight of the cruise ship Queen Elizabeth II.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to acceleration forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle most Muslim, Hindu, and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison, this is four times the weight of the cruise ship Queen Elizabeth II.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to acceleration forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
I Need A Push
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
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