My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
Illiterate? Write For Help
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over
[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
Ax Me About Ebonics
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Heaven
A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter."
The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates.
"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.
"What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."
The woman promptly replied,"Then the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom. "I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter."
The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates.
"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.
"What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."
The woman promptly replied,"Then the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom. "I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Bumper Stickers
* Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Horn broken, watch for finger.
* My kid had sex with your honor student.
* If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
* Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
* I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
* I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Keep honking, I'm reloading.
* Hang up and drive.
* Lord save me from your followers.
* Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
* Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
* I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
* Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
* Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Horn broken, watch for finger.
* My kid had sex with your honor student.
* If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
* Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
* I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
* I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Keep honking, I'm reloading.
* Hang up and drive.
* Lord save me from your followers.
* Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
* Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
* I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
* Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
* Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Weird Test Answers
These are purported to be actual test answers from various schools in the
Huntsville, Alabama metropolitan area.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
SOCIOLOGY
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
BIOLOGY
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.
ENGLISH
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
TECHNOLOGY
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
RELIGION
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lay eggs.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
10 Questions Not To Ask During A Job Interview
1. What's your company's policy on severance pay?
2. How long does it take your company's bureaucracy to get around to firing somebody for poor performance?
3. Could I get an office that's really close to the exit?
4. Does your company's life insurance cover suicide?
5. Who's the ugly bitch in that picture on your desk?
6. Does your company's insurance consider genital herpes a pre-existing condition?
7. How many sick days do you allow each employee before you stop paying them for not being here?
8. Does your insurance cover sex-change operations?
9. Does your LAN have a firewall that blocks triple-X websites?
10. How frequently do your accountants audit petty cash?
2. How long does it take your company's bureaucracy to get around to firing somebody for poor performance?
3. Could I get an office that's really close to the exit?
4. Does your company's life insurance cover suicide?
5. Who's the ugly bitch in that picture on your desk?
6. Does your company's insurance consider genital herpes a pre-existing condition?
7. How many sick days do you allow each employee before you stop paying them for not being here?
8. Does your insurance cover sex-change operations?
9. Does your LAN have a firewall that blocks triple-X websites?
10. How frequently do your accountants audit petty cash?
Lawyer Jokes
What do lawyers use for birth control?
* Their personalities.
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
* A tick falls off of you when you die.
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
* To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
* Not enough sand.
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
* There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
* A Doberman.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
* If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
* One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
* They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Lawyer's creed:
* A man is innocent until proven broke. (written by Sam McCloud, Minneapolis Trial Lawyer)
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
* Lipstick.
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
* Skeet.
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
* Chelsea Clinton
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
* It might be your bicycle.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
* The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
* ...... I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
* You shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
* He gets taller.
* Their personalities.
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
* A tick falls off of you when you die.
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
* To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
* Not enough sand.
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
* There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
* A Doberman.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
* If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
* One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
* They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Lawyer's creed:
* A man is innocent until proven broke. (written by Sam McCloud, Minneapolis Trial Lawyer)
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
* Lipstick.
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
* Skeet.
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
* Chelsea Clinton
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
* It might be your bicycle.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
* The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
* ...... I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
* You shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
* He gets taller.
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