Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
When it's in your best interest, always practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and always stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you are criticized, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Things Cat's Should Remember
Screaming at the can of food will not make it open by itself.
I must perfect a death stare to give my human every time I am disturbed.
If I vomit on the carpet after overeating yet again I must stand up and walk away without the slightest hint of a care.
I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing (especially right after my human has finished watching "The X-Files").
Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are not cat toys.
If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.
My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.
The cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor.
I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.
I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.
It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee.
The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.
If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it.
If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.
I must perfect a death stare to give my human every time I am disturbed.
If I vomit on the carpet after overeating yet again I must stand up and walk away without the slightest hint of a care.
I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing (especially right after my human has finished watching "The X-Files").
Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are not cat toys.
If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.
My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.
The cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor.
I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.
I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.
It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee.
The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.
If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it.
If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Top Ten Things To Say About a Gift You Don't Like...
10. Hey! Now there's a gift!
9. Well, well, well...
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4. I love it - but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
1. I really don't deserve this.
9. Well, well, well...
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4. I love it - but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
1. I really don't deserve this.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Daniel Tosh: Airport Phone Fun
So when I get a phone call at the airport, I'll admit it, I like to have a little fun. 'Go ahead. Gate 47 is completely clear.' People notice in a hurry. 'Honey, something is going on. That guy has a wire hanging down, maybe we shouldn't be standing right here.' 'Stand down, blue team! Stand down, blue team!' 'Honey, there is a sting going down at the airport. I am not feeling safe. Please, let's move.' 'Stand down, down blue team! Don't -- hold on, the subject's approaching. He's in a business suit with a briefcase. I repeat, the briefcase is in his hand.' And I find some random businessman. I run, and I just beat the crap out of him. And everybody starts clapping, 'Thank you for making our airways safe.' And then I go get on my plane, and that guy just has a weird story to tell for the rest of his life.
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