40 THINGS TO PROVE YOU'RE A NEW YORKER

01. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.

02. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.

03. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long week end, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

04. Hookers and the homeless are invisible.

05. The subway makes sense.

06. The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.

07. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

08. You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".

09. Your door has more than three locks.

10. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.

11. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.

12. You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.

13. You consider Westchester "Upstate".

14. You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Wapner.

15. You think Central Park is "nature."

16. You see nothing odd about the speed of an auctioneer's speaking.

17. You're paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet and you think it's a "steal."

18. You've been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both times.

19. You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the U.S. pay in rent.

20. You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid.

21. You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most Americans are heading to bed.

22. Your closet is filled with black clothes.

23. You haven't heard the sound of true absolute silence since 1977, and when you did, it terrified you.

24. You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.

25. You take fashion seriously.

26. Being truly alone makes you nervous.

27. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.

28. Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip."

29. America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.

30. You've gotten jaywalking down to an art form.

31. You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.

32. You haven't cooked a meal since helping mom last Thanksgiving.

33. You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.

34. Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.

35. $50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.

36. You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.

37. You don't hear sirens anymore.

38. You've mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city's air qualityand what it's doing to your lungs.

39. You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns.

40. Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watchseller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newstand guy is Indian and
your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian.

Bar Joke

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. So he's sitting there contemplating life when he notices this great piano music playing. He looks around, and there's no piano, no band and no speakers. So he ask's the bartender where the music is coming from. The bartender says "I 've got a little man, who's about a foot high and he plays a little tiny piano under the counter."

The man doesn't believe him so he looks under the counter and sure enough there is a little man who's about a foot tall. The little man waves and asks if the man has any requests. The man is totally amazed. And he asks the bartender where he found the little man.

The bartender says "Well the other day I was taking out the garbage and I found a vase in the alley. So I picked it up and wiped off the dirt, and waddya know, a genie appears and says " I'll grant you one wish, any wish, but only one wish!" So here I am and I've got this little guy who plays the piano."

The guy asks what happened to the vase. The bartender says it's still out in the alley. The guy runs out the back door and looks for the vase. He picks it up and rubs it and the genie appears and says "I'll grant you one wish, any wish, but only one wish." So the man says "I want a million bucks." Snap!Poof! The alley is filled with a million quacking, shitting ducks. The man runs back in side and tells the bartender "That genie has a hearing problem! I asked for a million bucks and I get a million ducks!"

The bartender says "Yeah, no shit buddy. Do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist??!!"

Funny Joke

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a wagon after it had fallen off.

"You look hot, my son," said the minister. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the Pastor said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come, sit down and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind for working you so hard!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under this load of hay."

Bird Joke

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example... Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change.

Then the parrot continued,"May I ask what the chicken did?"

39 Creative Ways to Say Someone is Stupid:

1)A few clowns short of a circus.
2)A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
3)An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
4)A few beers short of a six-pack.
5)Dumber than a box of hair.
6)A few peas short of a casserole.
7)Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.
8)The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
9)One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
10)One taco short of a combination plate.
11)A few feathers short of a whole duck.
12)All foam, no beer.
13)The cheese slid off her cracker.
14)Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
15)Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
16)He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
17)An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
18)As smart as bait.
19)Chimney's clogged.
20)Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
21)Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
22)Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
23)Forgot to pay her brain bill.
24)Her sewing machine's out of thread.
25)His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
26)His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
27)If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
28)Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
29)No grain in the silo.
30)Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
31)Receiver is off the hook.
32)Several nuts short of a full pouch.
33)Skylight leaks a little.
34)Slinky's kinked.
35)Surfing in Nebraska.
36)Too much yardage between the goal posts.
37)Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
38)The lights are on, but nobody's home.
39)24 cents short of a quarter.