Many many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
and soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Sunday, June 23, 2013
How To Get Rid of Your Roommate
1. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to him before he goes to class/ work.
2. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back to far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore"
3. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out, remarking ever so often how great the book is.
4. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then. pretend to wipe out and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to rescue you.
5. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes everyday. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage and tell him/her, "I was hungry."
6. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug in the toaster. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire safety.
7. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you are going away to "find yourself". Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard person to find.
8. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him something, go to another room and call him on the phone.
9. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When he brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If he ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making gagging sounds, until he gets it for you.
10. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and begin to violently slam dance with your roommate. If he asks about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist."
11. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again."
12. Get a can of beans. Label them "jumping beans". Eat them, and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them "Dancing beans". Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can, and Label it "Kill your roommate beans". Eat them, smiling at your roommate.
13. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him up and say, "Ok, it's time for you to go to bed now."
14. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge of Allegiance" with you every morning.
15. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books all the time. Eventually, think up melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your roommate. If he tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed.
16. Put up traffic signs around the house. If your roommate doesn't obey them, give him tickets. Confiscate something you roommate owns until he pays the tickets.
17. Walk, talk and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate inquires, tell him, "Don't worry little buckaroo. You'll be safe with me."
18. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to fix them.
19. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate dying in a car crash," and "Roommate getting whacked in the head with a shovel." Comment often on how much you love these paintings.
20. Wear glasses and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into walls and floors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's That?"every time your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.
21. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp, and tell your roommate that, "Grandma say's hi!"
22. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your collection of "inert gasses". Look at them often. One day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gasses. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.
23. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream
hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.
24. Roller skate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your
roommate, crash into him and knock him down. Apologize and
say that he, "looked like the enemy."
25. Put headphones on your roommate while he is sleeping, and subliminally teach him to speak Spanish, play the trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each African nation.
26. Stick you head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, "SILLY ME," open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act like you hit your head on something and fall to the ground in pain.
27. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon sight If he refuses, insist that he do 100 push-ups. Keep saying thins like, "your momma isn't here to take care of you anymore!"
28. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to it, and say things like, "in a little while I'll have enough for that sailboat!"
29. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation and say, "It's between me and the bunny."
30. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a message from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.
2. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back to far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore"
3. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out, remarking ever so often how great the book is.
4. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then. pretend to wipe out and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to rescue you.
5. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes everyday. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage and tell him/her, "I was hungry."
6. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug in the toaster. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire safety.
7. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you are going away to "find yourself". Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard person to find.
8. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him something, go to another room and call him on the phone.
9. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When he brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If he ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making gagging sounds, until he gets it for you.
10. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and begin to violently slam dance with your roommate. If he asks about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist."
11. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again."
12. Get a can of beans. Label them "jumping beans". Eat them, and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them "Dancing beans". Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can, and Label it "Kill your roommate beans". Eat them, smiling at your roommate.
13. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him up and say, "Ok, it's time for you to go to bed now."
14. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge of Allegiance" with you every morning.
15. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books all the time. Eventually, think up melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your roommate. If he tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed.
16. Put up traffic signs around the house. If your roommate doesn't obey them, give him tickets. Confiscate something you roommate owns until he pays the tickets.
17. Walk, talk and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate inquires, tell him, "Don't worry little buckaroo. You'll be safe with me."
18. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to fix them.
19. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate dying in a car crash," and "Roommate getting whacked in the head with a shovel." Comment often on how much you love these paintings.
20. Wear glasses and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into walls and floors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's That?"every time your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.
21. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp, and tell your roommate that, "Grandma say's hi!"
22. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your collection of "inert gasses". Look at them often. One day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gasses. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.
23. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream
hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.
24. Roller skate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your
roommate, crash into him and knock him down. Apologize and
say that he, "looked like the enemy."
25. Put headphones on your roommate while he is sleeping, and subliminally teach him to speak Spanish, play the trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each African nation.
26. Stick you head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, "SILLY ME," open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act like you hit your head on something and fall to the ground in pain.
27. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon sight If he refuses, insist that he do 100 push-ups. Keep saying thins like, "your momma isn't here to take care of you anymore!"
28. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to it, and say things like, "in a little while I'll have enough for that sailboat!"
29. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation and say, "It's between me and the bunny."
30. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a message from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Weight Loss Program
A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
How To Get Into Heaven
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her, "Hello, How are you ! We've been waiting for you ! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in ?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been ?"
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her, "Hello, How are you ! We've been waiting for you ! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in ?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been ?"
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Murphy's Flight Laws
No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate in the terminal.
If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence just as soon as you touch pen to paper.
If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the washroom.
The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard
If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate in the terminal.
If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence just as soon as you touch pen to paper.
If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the washroom.
The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)